Exam for the New Government-Issued License to Be an Asshole
3. How often are you an asshole? I would say whenever I’m conscious, but I can be fairly verbally abusive in my dreams.
Tag: Lies
Would You All Please Chill Out about My Paperclip Manufacturing Algorithm?
People ask why I need the world’s most powerful artificial intelligence to manufacture a simple product. Obviously, those people aren’t businessmen.
Space Force Wants You!
The lightweight uniforms of Space Force feature “Drip-Nip Technology©" that can resist water, whether it’s a splashdown or an unexpected “swirly."
After Two Years of Emotional Misdirection, I’m Ready to Propose to the Love of My Life
She thinks I forgot what park it was! We walked by it two months ago and she said “Look! Do you remember?” and I said “What?"
Why Was I Charged with a Felony for Simply Taking Home Some Office Supplies and My Boss’ Bank Account Number?
Nobody in the office will miss their paper clips and pens and you know what? My boss, Mr. Thompson, doesn’t even spend his money anyway.
To the Man Selling His Dead Baby’s Shoes
What on earth caused you to decide that the appropriate response to this tragedy was selling your dead baby's shoes in the local newspaper?
Uncut Energy Crystals: Howard Ratner in LA
Not only will the green aventurine win you material success but the Yoni birth mother energy will protect you from any Price Waterhouse trickery.
List: 17 Absurd Moments from State of the Union History That Make More Sense Than Anything You’ll Hear Tonight
1975 — Gerald Ford, cognizant of new requirements to look good on TV, overdoes his makeup and inadvertently wins an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Now That He’s Gone, I Can Share the Truth of How My Father, Mr. Peanut, Killed My Mother
Growing up, he was a hard legume to love. He showed no emotion, said very little, and was constantly traveling for work.
List: 15 Fascinating Facts about Orthodontists
The orthodontist tends to prey on children and teenagers, but has been known to target those in their twenties, thirties, or even older.
Uh Oh, We Hired an Actual Rock Star for Our Social Media Position
And though he was quite charming over the phone, in-person it was hard not to focus on his exceptionally poor oral hygiene.
Presentations Slated for This Year’s Slightly-Curved Earther Convention
Franklin will use demonstrations, like his “Star Wars figures on a basketball,” to show what would happen if you put humans on a spinning sphere.