FAQ: Your Rescue Monster
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Tag: Halloween
To the Horror Movie Villain Who’s Definitely Not Hiding Behind My Curtains
Are you embarrassed that I called you out, and now suffer from some sort of movie monster performance anxiety?
This Year I’m Not Going to Eat All of the Candy I Bought for the Trick-or-Treaters
The big bag is a safer purchase. Now it won’t be the end of the world if I have one. I’d hate to disappoint the kids two years in a row.
This Halloween, My Son, You Will Dominate the Streets
It’s a zero-sum game out there. Every piece of candy you don’t get goes into the gaping, cavity-filled maw of some other kid.
Zillow Listing for the House from “The Blair Witch Project”
Admire the local artisanship on display, particularly the humanoid stick figures bound in twine looming overhead in the trees.
I Am the Menacing Voiceover from a Horror Movie Trailer and I’m Just Trying to Order a Pizza
MINDLESS EATING MACHINES, TO STRIKE TERROR INTO THE HEARTS OF MEN. FOR MAN IS THE WARMEST PLACE TO HIDE. For $2 more the pizzas come with extra cheese.
Candy Corn Tastes like Cheap Trash and That’s Why I Like It
A handful of those tri-colored diabetic nightmares leave me physically ill with my head pulsing in pain. And guess what? I’m into it.
I’m Not Looking Forward to Halloween Because It’s Spooky, I’m Just Looking Forward to Not Sweating
I'm looking forward to when boob sweat makes its annual migration toward those hapless people in the southern hemisphere.
The 12 Months of Midwestern Winter
May: The Memento effect begins to set in as the temperature starts to go up. You start to hear people say things like "Winter wasn’t even that bad."
My Spirit Fiance Wouldn’t Stop Partying So I Dumped Him
Do you know what it’s like for me when you’re out haunting someone else? It’s quiet. No branches scraping the windows, no creaking floorboards.
Holidays as Explained by Your Pets
Dog: Thanksgiving took a while to understand, but I’ve got it now. It starts when you’re locked outside because no one can deal with you today.
Halloween Candies and the People Who Hand Them Out
Candy Corn --- I may look like I’m relatively young, but I’m actually a centenarian trapped inside a younger body.