Welcome home! Say hello to this must-see property situated on miles of untamed woodland. Located an ominous distance from Burkittsville, MD, this estate has a unique magic you won’t find anywhere else. Despite its three spacious bedrooms, you’ll hardly be able to sleep once you are the owner of this bewitching home. While the house is a historic landmark, we ask that you don’t look too deeply into its history before you come for a showing; we want you to experience it firsthand.

Trust us: you should be quaking at the thought of losing this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

Privacy is the name of the game here. Woods, streams, and hiking trails are all yours, untroubled by pesky townspeople begging you to go back to where you came from and to stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. You and your loved ones will spend hours, even days, becoming intimately familiar with the local landscape.

As you travel around the property, you’ll admire the local artisanship on display, particularly the humanoid stick figures bound in twine looming overhead in the trees. Your friends will be dying of envy when they see these one-of-a-kind pieces. “Where can I get one?” they’ll ask. “Where do they keep coming from?” they’ll ask the next day. “Please stop putting those out every morning. I feel scared,” they’ll say the day after that.

Um, jealous, much?

Don’t be overcome by the growing unease that you might be lost. Throw your map away and comfort yourself by knowing that you definitely won’t have neighbors peeking over your fence here. You could scream at the top of your lungs, but the nearest person will feel miles away. Peace and tranquility await.

Take in the sounds of the natural world: running water, falling leaves, the distant hooves of deer. This will be your personal zen garden, granting you unbroken serenity, except for those occasional nights when you think you hear footsteps and spooky children’s laughter nearby. Don’t think about that too much, though, or what’s rattling the walls of your tent! Keep thinking about the streams and the deer or whatever I said before. Talk about your own little getaway!

Whenever you get around to finding it, the two-story gabled house is destined for an owner with vision. This property is littered with great bones. It has been practically untouched since its construction, which, we’d like to reiterate, we do not want you to look into. It combines Federal-style architecture with regional farmhouse touches, like crumbling built-in bookshelves and forebodingly creaky staircases. You’ll enter through an unfinished basement which screams with potential. The dilapidated fireplace might need some love, but think of the memories you and your family will build around this stunning natural heat source. It really is a fixer-upper’s dream! Don’t worry, though; while you wait for the fireplace repair, your family will keep warm with the infernal heat radiating from the demonic symbols carved throughout the home. We can’t choose your style, but we recommend you leave those alone! No, seriously, we’re afraid that the lives of the employees at Zillow are somehow bound up in those markings. Don’t touch them, for the sake of our families.

The aesthetics don’t stop there. You will absolutely die when you see the rest of the interior. The original owner’s unique style transcends time. Classic exposed brick and wooden beams are complemented by the blood-red, child-sized handprints that streak the walls, giving the house that much-needed pop of color. You’ll find yourself standing for hours in the corner, admiring the charming handiwork. You’ll be so lost in the appeal of this house, you won’t even hear your loved ones behind you, hysterically screaming your name! You will feel like you’ve been bashed over the head when you see this home, and you won’t be able to get off the floor to put in your offer.

It’s a hot market, and this one will move scarily fast! Contact the listing agent for more information.

Listing price: $899,000

Please note: Owner will only consider offers in which inspections are waived, particularly those performed by paranormal investigators.