You’ll Love Our Newest Resort, You Lazy Fuck
Our friendly staff will welcome you in the lobby, where we’ll happily carry your bags for you. Look at you pretending you’re about to help!
Tag: Hair
Seven Mishaps at Whole Foods That, Looking Back, Were Only Partially My Fault
I didn’t mean to beat my chest and roar, causing that woman to jerk the wheel of her motorized cart into the end cap of pumpkin spice whipped topping.
Behold! Der American Adventures of Das EuroDad!
Mein gott, his calves are whiter than the snowcapped peaks of the Swiss Alps. Achtung, baby!
Translations of the Text Message “WYD”
“I don’t want to come off as needy so I’ve been sitting on this text for precisely 72 hours since our last hang.”
When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon-Ale with Thor
You can either let those lemons get you down, or you can absolutely crush the shit out of those lemons by channeling the inebriated fury of Thor.
Eighth-Grade Science vs. Middle-Age Anxiety
Observation: Heart palpitations, shortness of breath, chest discomfort, numb left arm. Hypothesis: I'm having a heart attack and I will die soon.
Welcome Aboard C.U.L.T. Incorporated!
We want our employees to look virtually identical so if one disappears (I mean "calls out") we can just sub someone else into that role.
Zoboomers: The Boomers Hidden Among the Zoomers
Zoboomers love to slip in hip cool slang like “fire,” “drip,” and “lit” to help better blend themselves in with the younger generation.
The Rules of Power According to a Teen in Charge of a Roller Coaster
They don’t know how to tame the most popular coaster in Central Jersey. You do.
Sorry Cowards, But Normal Vases Are Cancelled
If I see an unattended Mason jar, you’re goddamn right that I’m filling it with marbles, lemon slices, and a few artistically disheveled wheat stems.
I’m Julius Caesar’s Haircut, and Please Leave Me Out of This
Do not allow my legacy to be tarnished by an out-of-touch billionaire who is disseminating white supremacist content over the internet.
You’re Ready to Be a Parent, Aren’t You?
After living the bore of your nine-to-five stability, you’re ready for some extra, life-long, exciting (did I say “life-long”?) responsibility.