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Tag: Fights
I’m Not the Chosen One You Need or Want
My astrology app once said that I was destined for greatness, but I thought that meant a diet tea sponsorship on Instagram or a successful Etsy shop.
Have I Ever Been to Paris?
In Paris, we cry. In Paris we drink too much and enter the wrong apartment, accidentally sleeping in the wrong bed. That’s Paris.
Sign Up for My Karate School Correspondence Class
We’re not doing this online, it’s too easy, too predictable (plus I’m not allowed to get online for 18 more months, minimum).
Leadership Wants You to Know, Fight Club Is Taking the Coronavirus Seriously
If someone says “stop,” goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. If someone coughs, has shortness of breath, or has a fever, the fight does not begin.
United States Presidents vs. Swamp Rabbits
In 1903, Theodore Roosevelt announces an open boxing challenge to any willing swamp rabbit. In 1911, William Howard Taft eats a swamp rabbit.
Please, I Just Want to Have a Normal Martial Arts Tournament
The Four Wings tournament is in no way, shape, or form, “to the death.” I really don’t know how people keep getting that impression.
13 Things I, a 33-Year-Old Man with Zero Interest in Football, Find More Exciting to Watch at a Super Bowl Party Than the Game
Janice and Mark’s whisper-fights about their upcoming incomplete wedding plans. They’ve been engaged for 7 years now.
5 Episodes of “DuckTales” Where Winter’s First Snowfall Coincided with Uncle Scrooge Explaining to His Grandnephews That Because They Were Not Human, God Would Not Welcome Them into the Kingdom of Heaven When They Died
Season 1, Episode 45 - Raiders of the Lost Harp: When Uncle Scrooge Bemoans That All His Riches Cannot Afford Him a Seat in God’s Kingdom
Good Housekeeping Tips for Throwing a Cozy, Old-Fashioned Thanksgiving Rager
For a fun coordinated touch, make sure that you’ve got a few hollowed-out pumpkins for your guests to vomit into if they indulge in too many.
5 Times My Father Was Strapped for Cash So We Had to Pay Our Rent by Complimenting Our Landlord’s Horrendous Calf Tattoos
He has a visible tattoo of Tim Allen playing billiards with Tim Allen. (The second Tim Allen had red glowing eyes. He kept calling him “Dark Tim.”)
Traditional High School Anniversary Gifts
1 Month: A Cherry Lifestyle Condom: A month in high school is basically a decade in real people years, so it’s time to take things to the next level.