We have made first contact with human beings and completed our two-week reconnaissance mission at a Sheetz convenience and refueling station. In light of our findings, we strongly urge cancelling the planned invasion of Earth. Here is a summary of our tactics, observations, and recommendations.

The Sheetz station is a great source of intel.

Phil, Daryll, and I used our shape-shifting devices to blend and bond with patrons in the Sheetz vehicle parking area. We were only able to surveil during late evening hours because our scout vehicle’s malfunctioning exhaust system made covert daylight travel problematic. Despite such operational difficulties, we gathered a wealth of information because there’s always something going on after dark at the Sheetz convenience center.

Humans are very territorial.

We parked our vehicle in several spots over the two-week period. No matter which spot we occupied, a human would tell us we were in “their spot.” This was usually done by a young female of the species wearing a tube-shaped garment top. The next most likely human to inform us of their territorial rights was a 120-pound male with no shirt and long greasy hair.

Humans have vicious combat skills.

We observed several confrontations among earth citizens in the parking area and in the convenience structure itself. These were usually the result of a parking spot dispute or offense taken from uninvited courting rituals.

If two males were the combatants, chances were pretty good a canine of the “pit bull” variety would enter the fray, or a “samurai sword” would be drawn from a vehicle’s rear compartment. These scrawny males believe the swords have mystical powers. The fact that whenever one was drawn, it solicited a hearty “Hell Yeah!” chant from onlookers supports this mystical theory. Those confronted with the weapon would always flee in terror. I dropped my frozen ICEE drink the first time I saw one.

Female battles were called “cat fights.” These intense skirmishes had ferociously agile slapping, punching, and kicking punctuated by trash talk so offensive it made Phil blush. Invariably, the conflict would end with the tearing of garments. The males of the species were mesmerized by these events and even recorded them on their handheld communication devices. Witnessing such potent combat made us realize an invasion would be foolhardy.

Humans have no concern for their physical well-being.

Not only do humans at the Sheetz revel in physical and verbal conflict, they torture their bodies with the following substances: paper tubes of burning leaves, “energy drinks” that elevate their heart rates to hypersonic levels, “alcohol” that lowers their IQ 40 points and mistakenly makes them believe they have excellent dancing skills, “cannabis” that makes them forgetful and want to hug everyone, synthetic sugary treats, and long thin sticks of highly processed mammal flesh. We are still trying to figure out why anyone would ingest a “pickle chip.”

Because of our human diet research, we are one punch hole short of a free “hoagie.” I left our loyalty card in the scout vehicle glove box for the next recon team.

Humans appear fearless.

One evening Bob’s shape-shifter was on the fritz. We didn’t realize it, but his true “alien” image was seen by all in the parking area, the store commander, and apparent authority figures who visited in a vehicle with blue and red lights atop. And you know what, not one of them was phased.

Other observations and tips on blending.

Not all earthlings are belligerent. This is especially true of ones using that “cannabis” product. While “hanging” with the more docile humans, Daryll got free tickets to a “tractor pull” and Phil somehow ended up on a date with a “beautician/nail technician.”

We learned we blended best when we cut the sleeves off our shirts.

Tattoos are mandatory. A flying serpent theme seems popular.

Recommendations for future intel gathering.

I believe getting a DirecTV Choice package bundled with Netflix would be a more efficient and safe way to learn of other normal human behavior from afar. An earthling shared with me an “episode” of Tiger King on his handheld device. I believe this show would be a perfect source to gather more intel on typical human lifestyles and capabilities. Please send me the login and password info if you do subscribe—I’m jonesing to find out what happens to Mr. Exotic.

There’s a lot more I can report, but after two weeks of suffering a musical band called Def Leppard being blared into my orifices, I’ve had enough. These guys are bat crazy.

Given human steadfast territorialism, ferocious battle tactics, self-destructive behavior, and fearlessness, I believe an attempt to take the planet by force would be catastrophic. Our only hope would be to first destroy the factories that produce the canned “energy drinks” that give them superhuman strength. If we do that, we’d only have to wait five hours before they all fall asleep.