God Tries to Figure Out the Plot Holes in the Bible
[God's pen is paused above the passage where Noah gets all fat and is lying drunk in a tent after surviving the flood.] ANGEL: Water balloon fight?
[God's pen is paused above the passage where Noah gets all fat and is lying drunk in a tent after surviving the flood.] ANGEL: Water balloon fight?
Washington: By successfully recruiting James, the Washington Generals could finally have a shot at taking down those damn Harlem Globetrotters.
Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. What sorcery is this? Only a demon could so affect the utter destruction and recreation of his countenance at will.
Hulu: Ohhh, let me guess, you want to watch something with a Strong Female Lead? Netflix: Honestly, that one gets over-cited.
fast-forward/the perfect storm./America was at conflict with Iran/Iraq/the political situation/between the countries./between good vs. evil.
If a stranger with a black eye winks at you on the street, that’s a surefire giveaway that your cats are pedalling human violence for profit.
Hark, I get it. Carpophorus is reinventing the very genre of public violence. I just don’t have time to get into the King of Beasts right now, okay?
The liberals, they're wrong, we can't ban guns. Even if we made guns illegal, someone would reinvent guns and just call them something else.
We are ashamed to be counted among a population that would laud a man for performing a piledriver on a disabled person. Please step down, Mr. Mayor.
The first rule of Amtrak's "Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club" is: Kindly shut the fuck up about everything. Enjoy bare-knuckle chef combat.
Who's in favor of ending "gun-free zones" and replacing them with "free gun zones"? The answer to every question in America is "more."
When the lives of countless transgender children are at stake, I've no choice but to raise aloft my twin sai and declare, "Fearmongers, beware!"