Weapons of Mass Instruction for Everyone in Every School
Who's in favor of ending "gun-free zones" and replacing them with "free gun zones"? The answer to every question in America is "more."
Tag: Fights
If Trump Won’t Protect Trans Kids, My Ninja Weapons and I Will
When the lives of countless transgender children are at stake, I've no choice but to raise aloft my twin sai and declare, "Fearmongers, beware!"
The Top Ten “The Only Black Dude” Black Dudes in Movies
Celebrating the memory of those black guys who went it alone, fighting against oppression, while also fighting werewolf cops or whatever.
Was Being Transported to King Arthur’s Court and Charged With Saving Camelot Really the Best Way to Learn Self-Confidence or Whatever?
Couldn't you just sit me down and teach me whatever lesson it is you're going for like a normal wizard mentor? Without the near-fatal experiences?
Who Will Win Big at the 2018 Oscars?
Popular wisdom has Gary Oldman and Daniel Day-Lewis fighting it out for best actor, but they're gonna have a hard time beating the deserving winner.
My Surreal Childhood Bullies
An examination of the lasting damage that can occur when your grade school bullies are influenced by Salvador Dali.
4 Patriotic Wartime Activities That Will Have You Home in Time to Watch Those Badass Missiles on TV
As we prepare for war with North Korea, Americans can be counted on to do their part. Just so long as we're home in time to watch the missiles on TV!
The 6 Coziest Federal Offenses to Commit From the Warmth of Your Home This Winter
Finally, a list of felonies to perpetrate from your breakfast nook while wearing your snuggliest onesie. Let it snow, let it snow!
7 Bold Tips for Getting Over Your Post-Holiday Blues at All Costs
Exercising, befriending co-workers, and taking hostages are great ways to cheer yourself up in an otherwise dismal new year!
Son, You’re Going to Have to Tell Me More About This Guy You Saw Mommy Kissing Underneath the Mistletoe Last Night
First of all, son, I'm not angry with you for peeking downstairs. I just want you to tell Daddy more about the man you saw Mommy kissing, okay?
Death Stars Must Be Legalized for Private Ownership
My name is Krazzed Dumm'fuk, proud member of the Galactic Blaster Rifle Association. We must fight to lift the ban on private Death Star ownership.
What to Do in the Event of a Shark Attack
Mirror the shark's movements so it thinks it's looking into a mirror, and then the second it gets suspicious, bonk it on the head and swim away.