A Brief Footnote to the “No Gifts” Policy for Our Child’s Party
No need to buy anything for Brayden. You certainly don't know Brayden well enough to know that he's longing for a Mandalorian LEGO set.
Tag: Birthdays
On Behalf of Our Entire Waitstaff, I Apologize for That New Birthday Song
Oh, I would hardly call what you saw "nudity" or "pornographic movements."
Partiful Updates from Your Acquaintance Who Is Clearly Spinning Out
Hey, does anyone have an EpiPen?
Plans for the Jazz Party I’m Throwing My Five-Year-Old Son
Guests are forbidden from bringing presents. Jazz is a gift in itself.
When You Shop My Balloon Bouquet Small Business Where I Blow Every Single Balloon by Mouth, You’re Supporting Real People
All mouth-blown, no helium balloon pumps allowed! And when I say “we,” I really mean just me.
Thomas Edison’s Birthday Really Snuck Up on Me This Year
Getting electrocuted in the Menlo Park mall on the big man’s birthday is on my bucket list, but 2022 is not going to be the year I cross that one off.
The Overly-Anxious, Child-Free Shopper’s Guide to Selecting a Gift for a Coworker’s Daughter’s Eighth Birthday Party
If you buy a homemade ice cream maker or a cookie decorating kit, you are contributing to the child obesity epidemic sweeping America.
This Is a Robbery, and Also My Birthday Party
Empty your pockets. Phones out, now! And you know what? While you’re doing that, why don’t you all sing Happy Birthday?
Beginner’s Guide to Writing a Birthday Text Message
Hoping things for the recipient is important. Also, there's a direct relationship between the message timing and its perceived value, so avoid delay.
When Matt Damon Was My Age He’d Filmed His Second “Bourne” Movie
When Sting was my age, he decided to quit The Police because he “wasn’t feeling it anymore.” I’ve never even talked to the police.
Satan Is Now on Cameo to Give You All Types of Shoutouts
I know a lot of you are all about sacrificing lives and animals to honor me, so I thought I would sacrifice some of my time for all of you.
Is Age Really Just a Number?
I reached my biblical allotment of three score and ten. I am, as St. Paul wrote in his second letter to the Corinthians, “playing with house money.”