When Matt Damon was my age he'd filmed his second Bourne movie. I'm my age right now and I live in a shared flat with three broken windows and two fridges for some reason. Really puts things in perspective. I suppose, I really don’t imagine things are going to change anytime soon.

When Serena Williams was my age, she was the highest-paid female athlete, and she’d won more Grand Slams than I can be bothered to count on Wikipedia, or google on Google, or just make up. Really, it’s quite a lot. Yesterday I played squash, and I lost, and no-one paid me for it. It’s good to have perspective.

When Sting was my age, he decided to quit The Police, one of the biggest bands in the world at the time, because he “wasn’t feeling it anymore.” I’ve never even talked to the police, and I’m hoping not to change that. So, you know, perspective.

When Beyoncé was my age, she hadn’t married Jay-Z as I’d hoped so then I could say something along the lines of, I haven’t even married Jay-Z, but she’d already done that. In fact, when she was my age she released the acclaimed Lemonade album, which I’ve never listened to but am assured it’s good music.

Yesterday I had a Fanta, which I just googled to see if it was popular in the US and it isn’t, so please replace with “orange soda.” That’s just reminded me of Kenan and Kel. Haven’t thought about those guys for years. I actually did find that catchphrase quite funny. Not sure what that says about my sense of humor. Also, I found out that the original Fanta was a Nazi product, so that’s thrown a good ten per cent of my belief system out of the window. I’m not doing a “When Hitler was my age,” because, um, yeah.

When Elon Musk was my age, he’d introduced further security measures to PayPal and inspired the creation of SolarCity. I have six pals, none of them pay me anything even though I have to say I am one of the best pals of all the pals, and today I had a walk in the sun in my city. I am so perspected.

When Oprah Winfrey was my age, she was three seasons into her show, The Oprah Winfrey Show. I sometimes imagine what having my own show would be like, but not often. Ok, this is literally the first time I’ve imagined that. I’ve got so much perspective right now.

When Joseph Williams was my age, he left the band Toto to move onto other projects. I’ve never even been to Africa, let alone played in the band Toto. I have watched The Wizard of Oz several times though, including the sequel. I’m brimming with perspective, you have no idea.

When Marilyn Monroe was my age, she’d filmed her last film The Misfits. I haven’t even filmed my second film. Actually, I haven’t even filmed my first film now that I think about it. I haven’t even written my first film. I did think up an idea for a film about a man who lives the same day over and over again, and I wrote it down and every time I saw it I thought, damn, that’ll make a great film. I would’ve called it, “My Life.” I can’t wait to be in that film because it’s going to blow people away with how original it is and I’m going to film it RIGHT NOW and then I don’t film it again for another year and it turns out that film has been made already about as many times as I’ve spent years on this earth. Yeah, that’s really driving the perspective home.

When Jesus was my age, he’d lived his entire life, if certain sources are to be believed, and been crucified, and been resurrected. I haven’t died yet, not even once. Yep, you know the “P” word. Say it again my brothers and sisters, praise the Lord!

When dinosaurs were my age, they’d ruled the earth for millennia or thereabouts. I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and got drunk yet again and ruled, or in the words of the groom, I was “in top form.” PERRRRSPECTIVE!

I’m not sure where I’m going with all of this, but I am my age right now and it’s good to get perspective. In one year I’ll be the age I am a year from now. I wonder what perspective I’ll have. I wonder.