Goddammit, I Think I Earnestly Like Everything I Claim to Like Ironically
I wasn’t just enjoying, but empathizing with contestants on The Bachelor. I shut it off and recollected my ironic self over a lukewarm Zima.
Tag: Anger
The New Pokémon Game Should Let Players Catch the Most Amazing Thing of All: A Pledge to Lead a Chaste Lifestyle that Honors Our Creator
"Catch” implies the game will be like the original, instead of my better idea for an abstinence-focused game. The slogan should mention doing chores.
I Resent the Placenta in My Freezer
I like the idea of burying it next to a tree. But since we can’t even keep the racoons and possums out of the compost bin, that’s not happening.
I Am Your City Council Representative, and Your Concerns Matter to Me
As an upstanding member of this community, I hope you’ll believe me that I am, definitively, a human flesh man, and not any kind of insect homunculus.
As a Writer, I Am the Most Important Person in This Relationship and on Earth
Did it even occur to me to check in with my dad after his heart surgery? No, because that would have meant shutting the door on the Muse, and that is just selfish.
Where Are They Now? The Stars of Jurassic Park
Adopting the moniker Steg For More, Larsson’s first album produced the song “Leggo my Steggo,” which hit #5 on the Australian Billboard Top 100.
Paul Klee’s Childhood Diaries
Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. What sorcery is this? Only a demon could so affect the utter destruction and recreation of his countenance at will.
The Modern Day Dinosaurs That Plague America
Because of the shape of their heads, turtles spend much of their lives looking down on whatever’s in front of them. Similar to: White people.
The Streaming Services Argue About What to Watch on Basic Cable
Hulu: Ohhh, let me guess, you want to watch something with a Strong Female Lead? Netflix: Honestly, that one gets over-cited.
What the Outfit You Wear to the Pride Parade Says About You
Flamingo costume: Your sunglasses were stolen when you left them on the dash. Also, the parade is for celebrating, but you won't take any steps back.
How to Have a Happy Relationship Even Though You’re Not Dating Mister Rogers
Fred had a song for every occasion: feeling happy, excited, blue. He even called it, “feeling blue,” and not “oh, so you’re taking another nap today?”
Music Fans Rejoice! After 29 Years, Billy Joel Has Finally Released the Rough Draft of “We Didn’t Start the Fire”
We- started the fire/It was always burning/Since we started the fire/We- did start the fire/Yes! We did light it/Because he thought we’d like it