If Bachelorette Contestants Were Burger King Menu Items
100% white meat between a mayonnaise-soaked bun, this Trump-supporter gets drunk off vodka cranberries and admits that he’s never met a black person.
Tag: Anger
The Streaming Services Order Brunch
Netflix: I’ve changed my order. I want what Hulu’s having, and I want it delivered first.
An Interview with the Two Largest Books on Your Shelf
Q: Who’s more likely to be used in the event that a fire is desperately needed? Harry Potter: Definitely Jest. Infinite Jest: Me.
A Letter to Jordan Peterson from Lobsters
We’d like to pinch some sense into you with our deadly pincers, but we fear that this will only make you reach some new, unfathomably stupid conclusion.
I’m the Sharp-Toothed Snail Shel Silverstein Warned You About and I’d Like to Set the Record Straight
I’m so glad to get this off my shell. It’s been a weight no snail should have to bear.
Episodes from the Dark, Gritty Reboot of Blue’s Clues
Steve slams his fist on the table in the interrogation room. “Talk to me!” he screams. Slippery Soap flinches.
8 Things You Should Never Say on a First Date
Negative and disgusting things you should save until at least the second date, if you're lucky enough to get that far.
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It, Is to Get My Stepson Keith to Stop Yelling “You’ve Got That Silly Putty Dick” at Me
You’re the best goddamned spy we’ve got in the service, but the day you TRULY become a spy is the day you get my stepson to show me some respect.
Fun Things to Do in the Big City If You’re a Douchebag
Steal a seat from a pregnant woman who was about to sit down, then pull out a copy of "Angels & Demons" and bury your head in it.
I Can’t Have Communication Issues, I Majored in Communications
I have communication issues? That's funny because in the eyes of the University of Illinois School of Communications, I am a master of communication.
An Open Letter to Arbor Day
I'm warning you: they won't stop until Arbor Day becomes Firewood Day.
I Cut My Tongue Licking a Chobani Lid Again
Okay, I know there’s “a lot” of blood. Yes, I know it’s all over the wool carpeting we had installed last week.