1. “Oh my god, I can't believe how depressing this conversation has become. I can't stand listening to you anymore. Please change the subject or else STOP TALKING!”

I wasn't on a date when I heard these words. I was lying on a couch in an office last Thursday afternoon when my therapist said them to me.

I'm not sure why she got so upset. I was just trying to tell her my life story, and I had only been telling it for about 25 seconds.

2. “After the movie is over, would you please shove this freshly-sharpened number 2 pencil up my ass?”

We all have our own unique and individual ways of becoming aroused, and some of us require a bit more stimulation than others. This question, however, may be considered a bit too “forward” for a first date. You should probably wait until the second date before asking something like this.

If you're a really impatient person and you simply must ask this question as soon as possible, then at least give your new date enough time to become familiar with all of your positive qualities as a human being. That should only take about three minutes.

3. “My last girlfriend had a very special way of getting me excited. In order to prepare me for an evening of sex on the bathroom floor, she would say really mean things to me, tell me that she had been cheating on me, and then proceed to beat me with a yard stick.”

It's not a good idea to talk about previous relationships on a first date. You don't want the other person to think that you're still emotionally attached to your former lover, or that you have a lot of emotional baggage. Your new date needs to know that you're ready to move on with your life.

If you go into too many details about your previous romance, your date may become slightly distant. They may also get the subtle notion that you will simply use them as a “crying shoulder.”

Nobody wants to be used as a “crying shoulder.” (Except for the author of this article. I really don't mind. I'm bored, lonely, and usually drunk. I feel I'm strong enough to be your “crying shoulder,” especially if you're an extremely wealthy female between the ages of 25 and 40.) 

4. “My last boyfriend was a disgusting jerk! He actually had the nerve to belch right in my face after we had sex on the kitchen table while my husband was at work this morning. So, where should we go for dinner?”

Again, I would like to say that it's never wise to spend too much time talking about previous lovers. It's even worse if you complain about them. Complaining about a former relationship could bring negativity into an evening that was supposed to be positive and fun.

We all have our own personal weaknesses and shortcomings, and the last thing you want to do is scare your date away by overly criticizing your previous boyfriend or girlfriend. New beginnings need to be based on trust, balance, support, and happiness. Your date needs to know that there is some time and distance between you and your last relationship.

If you're sincerely attracted to your new date and wish to have a happy future together while your spouse absent-mindedly goes to work every day thinking nothing is wrong, then you need to make sure your initial meeting goes well.

5. “Before we go any further, I need to confess something: I get really nervous when it comes to meeting new people, so I drank 20 cans of Miller Lite, half a bottle of tequila, two brandy sours, 37 ounces of Mike's Hard Lemonade, a flask of whiskey, and four shots of Everclear this afternoon. I also did some heroin in the car. I hope you're OK with that.”

Nervousness can be a major factor when it comes to a first date. Meeting a new person for the sole purpose of exploring the potential for intimacy is certainly no small adventure, so a little bit of anxiety is completely natural.

However, don't let your anxiety go too far! If your new date seems shocked or perhaps even horrified by all the things you did to prepare for the evening, then you should immediately smooth things over by telling her that you love her and that you want to have lots of babies together.

If that doesn't work, then you need to put some effort into convincing her that you are an exciting and intellectually-stimulating person who is fun to be around. This can be accomplished by talking about your personal life while crying.

6. “I'm sorry I'm late. My toilet overflowed, and there was a shitstorm in the living room.”

Try not to be late for your first date. It's just plain rude. If you don't want to explain the real reason why you were late, then just use one of the following rational excuses:

  1. “I was getting a haircut when the barber accidentally dropped her scissors on my penis, so I had to go to the ER.”
  2. “A part of my favorite tooth fell out, and I had to glue it back on.”
  3. “My neighbor came over to visit, but she pushed the front door open way too fast. The door-knob hit me right in the penis, so I had to go to the ER.”
  4. “Somebody broke into my house and turned all of the coins in my coin collection upside-down. I had to spend some time turning them back over.”

7. “I don't think you're ready for a serious relationship. I think you need to spend some time alone so you can figure out what direction your life should take.”

These words were not actually spoken on a first date. I said them to my academic advisor after she tried to flirt with me.

8. “I'm so glad I met you. I've been extremely lonely for years, and I've always wondered if there was somebody out there for me. I can't even tell you how thankful I am to finally have warmth and companionship in my life. So, which room are we going to use? And do I need to pay for this now, or can I pay later?”