Dear Constituent,
I’m proud to serve as your representative on City Council. I’d like to think I’ve done some good work this year representing your interests at City Hall, but all that work means nothing if I don’t also have your trust and support.
Given that election day is fast approaching and the race has become contentious, I think I must address several rumors that have been flying around (likely started by my opponent), namely the wild accusation that I am “dangerously unfit for office” because I “have been accepting bribes” and am “a large cloud of bees inhabiting an argyle sweater” (allegedly).
Both these accusations are unfounded and frankly offensive. Why, I grew up in this very city, in the chemical waste dump out by the railroad tracks! I watched many of you grow up over the years into fine, upstanding citizens. Many of you have met my beautiful, real wife and wonderful, real son who have often appeared in public with me but never around cameras. (The privacy of my real human family is very important to me; I trust you understand.)
Surely you, my dear friends and neighbors, must understand that my integrity is intact, and that I could never line my pockets with any illicit funds, as I own only one pocket-less argyle sweater. I can say with complete honesty that I have never received any money in my life, for any reason.
As for the doubts that my opponent has evinced against my personhood, why they don’t merit even considering. As an upstanding member of this community, one who’s been here through thick and thin, I hope you’ll believe me when I tell you that I am, definitively, a human flesh man, and certainly not any kind of monstrous insect homunculus.
My opponent has accused me of buzzing violently during heated City Council debates, and yes, perhaps I do buzz sometimes. But my passion and my zeal for the issues is what makes me a good councilor, and a good real human person. Who among us will not buzz when provoked? I’m simply passionate about preserving this town’s noble history and its historic, chemical-drenched biomes. I refuse to allow my opponent’s quibbling about “toxicity” and “alarming genetic abnormalities in native species” to get in the way of keeping us tied to our good old-fashioned roots as the wasteland adjacent to a factory town.
I’m a proud human man invested in our town’s identity, and certainly not swayed by any loyalties to a tyrannical mutant apian overlord intent on territorial domination. The mere suggestion is ridiculous, and also who told you that? I’d like names if you have them.
Would a cloud of bees be able to dictate a letter to its secretary this articulately? Would a mere haze of insects have thought to send a bouquet of flowers to its former secretary, currently on indefinite medical leave and unable to speak to reporters due to a newly discovered allergy to bee stings (strike that) typing? A cloud of bees could never. That my opponent would stoop so low as to attack my integrity, my family, and my very personhood is merely an indication of his own corrupt values – anti-family, anti-progress, anti-bee.
I’d like to put these outlandish rumors behind me and get back to the hard work of governing our great city. I hope you’ll support me and carry me through to a new term on City Council. I trust I can count on your vote.
Yours truly and honestly,
City Councilor Guy Humanman