Sorry I Kicked You Out of the Garden of Eden
In today's social climate, I've learned to not be hasty when judging people because I'm slowly learning that you humans frequently make mistakes.
Tag: Anger
When the Facts Change, I’ll Tell You What I Don’t Do: Flip-Flop
My first word was "pasghetti." You can say "spaghetti" all you want, but fact is, I say pasghetti.
Forbes 30 with Under 30 Days to Live
Bruce has been a policeman for 40 years and retires in 27 days. If you know anything about law enforcement, he will certainly die on his last day.
A Valedictorian Speech Composed Entirely of Staircase-Wit Comebacks
I wish I had said that. Instead, I broke into an ugly cry and stumbled from the room, having jammed a big toe on the life-sized skeleton model.
If We Talked to Entrepreneurs the Way We Talk to Artists
Coding is a great creative outlet, but only the most talented people become CEOs of publicly traded companies.
Mindfulness Tips for Evil Telepathic Mutants
Don’t dwell on the minds you’ve violated in the past or plan to violate in the future. Focus on the minds you’re violating in the present.
What to Do if the Little Drummer Boy Shows Up at Your Local Maternity Ward
It's confusing that this boy thinks a drum solo is an appropriate gift for anyone---let alone an infant. That’s what makes him so dangerous.
Passive-Aggressive Co-Worker or Your Domestic Shorthair?
No matter how sincerely you attempt to connect with them, they seem to live by the philosophy "treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen."
Behold! Der American Adventures of Das EuroDad!
Mein gott, his calves are whiter than the snowcapped peaks of the Swiss Alps. Achtung, baby!
Popular Adages Revised for Passive-Aggressive People
Better safe than to have to say sorry. / A perceived slight is worth a thousand words. / You can't teach an old dog new tricks with that attitude.
Declaration of Independence from My Toxic Roommate Terrence
The history of Terrence is a history of repeated injuries and not splitting utility costs, all having in direct object the establishment of a tyranny.
Narwhal Tusk Basic Training
You’re holding in your hands as sophisticated an anti-terrorist device as God in his worshipful workshop has ever devised!