Nikki: Where have you been?
Me: Little league baseball parks, work and a girl named Rochelle.
Nikki: I like how you never stay away from this bar long enough for me to forget your name, but long enough so that I miss you a little.
Me: I like how you always dress like a slut.
Nikki: And now I don't miss you anymore.

Rob: Where do you get your writing ideas from?
Me: New Jersey.
Rob: Excuse me?
Me: Hoboken, to be precise.
Rob: You're a jerk.

Mike: Man, how do you keep beating me at Trivia?
Rob: I'm smarter than you.
Me: Not a lot of gray area in that answer.
Rob: Just a lot of gray matter.
Me: Dude, let me do the jokes, okay. That was shit.

Rob: Being funny on paper is not easy.
Me: Yeah, usually you want to be funny on a surface that can at least support your weight.
Ian: And somewhere in the distance, a dog barks.

Rick: Are you losing weight?
Jessica: Yeah, I broke up with my boyfriend and I need to find another one.
Me: I hate you, I hate you, I fucking hate you so much.
Jessica: What's your problem?
Me: You ever think that maybe if you had bothered looking good for your last boyfriend, that you wouldn't have broken up?
Jessica: You don't think like that when you're in a relationship and there are pastries around you.
Rick: Calm down, Nate. Just breathe.

Kris: Who was Sisyphus?
Me: He was this Titan who Zeus sentenced to a lifetime of pushing a boulder up the same hill over and over again for all eternity.
Kris: So, he's still doing it?
Me: In Greek mythology, he is.
Kris: Bullshit, not nowadays. Motherfuckers have rights. Fuck, he's a minority. Probably someone he can sue.
Me: You're fucked up.
Kris: Did I just make the tidbits?
Me: They're called snippets, asshole.
Kris: Tidbits.
Me: Stop it. You don't get to rename my work.
Kris: Who says? Is there some kind of tidbit law or something?
Me: Snippets.
Kris: Tidbits.
Me: Snippets.
Kris: Tidbits.
Me: This is real mature, you know that?
Kris: Whatever, tidbits.
Me: Fuck you.

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