Me: When did you get this car?
Kevin: It's my lady friend's car.
Me: Your lady friend?
Kevin: Yeah, my lady friend. You got a fucking problem?
Me: No. It just seems like kind of an old school term. I mean, when did you start saying, lady friend?
Kevin: My late grandfather used to say it. I'm binging it back.
Me: That's cute. I can appreciate that.
Kevin: Don't patronize me.
Me: I'm serious. I think it's cute that you say “lady friend” in honor of your grandpa. I can appreciate it.
Kevin: Go fuck yourself, dude.
Me: Because I can appreciate your oddball homage to your grandpa, I can go fuck myself? I see how you are.
Kevin: I don't know man. I don't trust your sincerity. We've all ready established that you have no compassion.
Me: When did we establish this?
Kevin: I believe it was just before nine eleven.
Me: Isn't it weird how everything is either before the fall of the World Trades or after the fall? It's like how we gauge time. It's a watershed moment.
Kevin: Yeah, because everyone can get behind it and remember where they were. Imagine if a whole bunch of people had to say shit like, “was that before or after J-Lo wore that dress to the Oscars?”
Me: So, in a way, nine eleven was a good thing.
Kevin: Dude, seriously, do you have any fucking compassion? You're like the male version of Ann Coulter.
Me: Go fuck yourself.
Kevin: I've been a big fan of the library, lately.
Me: Why's that?
Kevin: Dude, they just let you take shit for free. And when you're late, they only charge you like a dime a day, even for movies and CDs and shit. Sometimes, I even try to give them a couple of bucks, you know, to start an account for future late fees, but they won't take it. I tell you, libraries rule.
Me: You're thirty years old and you just discovered libraries?
Kevin: You mean you knew about this and didn't tell me?
Me: Dude, please tell me you're kidding.
Chase: When one drug, like pot, becomes hard to get, then people start buying different drugs like Xanax and morphine. People, basically, are always gonna find a way to not be sober.
Craig: Well said.
Chase: You should hook me up with Jenny.
Me: Dude, I just told you that she's a druggie, that she's bad in bed and that we fuck casually and you still want to fuck her?
Chase: It's been a while for me, dude.
Me: Do you think I can use Craig's computer to write and post my blog entry for today? It's about hurricanes.
Chase: Well, seeing how it's not my computer, sure.
Me: Hey, thanks.
Labels: snippets