Me: So what's the deal? You don't want to see me anymore?
Becky: Yeah, that's pretty much the deal.
Me: What'd I do wrong?
Becky: What'd you do right?
Me: I asked you first.
Becky: You're immature and crass, you're always drunk and you never take anything or anyone seriously.
Me: Yeah, but what did I do wrong?
Becky: Forget it. You won't get it. Why don't you call Liz, again? I hear she's on the rocks with her man. Slut.
Me: So is this about me seeing other people? ‘Cause it's not like we were dating.
Becky: But it is like we never will.
Me: I should probably just hang up the phone, eh?
Becky: Yeah, you're just wasting your minutes at this point?
Me: I'm having a rough patch with one of my girls.
Mike: Dude, are you drunk?
Me: What does that have to do with anything?
Mike: Did you drive here?
Me: Here happens to be close to my house.
Mike: Give me your fucking keys.
Me: Whatever, Brandon Walsh.
Me: Mike took my keys away.
Stacy: He took my anal virginity, once. I know how you feel.
Me: I don't know. I think those two things would feel differently.
Stacy: So, he didn't shove the keys up your ass?
Me: No.
Stacy: Well, I guess I can put my camera away.
Wild: It's Emmy's birthday, today.
Me: I didn't know that. Shit. I didn't get her anything.
Wild: You better tip her big or something.
Me: Hell no. I'm just gonna pretend like no one ever told me and go on about my life as if I had no idea it happened.
Tony: Now, did that work when “American Idol” got big?
Me: No.
Tony: Then it won't work now.
Me: Life is hard, sometimes.
Tony: Yeah, what can you do?
Liz: So, how did you know me and my man broke up?
Me: Just a hunch.
Liz: You are so full of shit.
Me: Why don't you meet me at [The Local Pub]?
Liz: Why don't you come over to my place?
Me: Mike took my keys.
Liz: So you're not only horny, you're also too drunk to drive? What a winning combination.
Me: You're not coming over, are you?
Liz: Of course not, lush.
Me: I'm having bad luck with women, tonight.
Wild: I've been having bad luck with women since high school. I ain't got no sympathy for you.
Me: Thanks, man. Thanks for listening.
Wild: Fuck you.
Labels: snippets