Me: I don't think?
Dan: I know.
Me: You didn't let me finish.
Dan: I know.
Random Guy: I'll bet I could beat you in a race.
Me: What brought that up?
Random Guy: Nothing. I just really want to run, but it's no fun if you don't have someone to race.
Me: You understand that we're in a bar right now? And that we're all drinking, and that no one here is interested in racing you?
Steve: I'll race your ass, dude. You are so dead.
Christie: What are those idiots doing?
Me: Forty yard dash.
Christie: Why?
Me: They wanted to race.
Christie: Why?
Me: Who do I look like? Fucking Freud?
Christie: Men: the ones that aren't dicks are just plain stupid.
Me: It pisses me off that you guys won't let me in the “We Ain't Right Club.”
Dan: I'm telling you, dude. You gotta straighten up.
Me: But everyone else has to do more outlandish shit to get in. Why should I have to temper my act to get in the “We Ain't Right Club?”
Dan: ‘Cause it's not called the “We're Majorly Fucked Up Club.” That's why.
Me: This guy named Tucker Max called me out on his website. He basically said that I'm selling myself short.
Royce: I see. And who the hell is he?
Me: He's this writer who writes about drinking and fucking and having crazy times.
Royce: I wasn't aware that you had a brother.
Me: I think I drink too much.
Sean: My car is white.
Me: What's that got to do with anything?
Sean: Oh, my bad. I thought it was “state the obvious time” again.
Tony: Only eleven weeks until preseason football.
Me: Not that you're counting or anything.
Tony: Mr. Nate, apparently, you ain't listening. I just told you that I am, in fact and without a doubt, counting.
Me: You're not funny.
Me: Why do soldiers puke in their helmets?
Tony: It keeps the camp clean.
Me: But doesn't it suck to get dried puke on your head?
Tony: Not as bad as it sucks getting your head smashed in by pissed off military personnel.
Me: I'm glad I never joined the military.
Tony: Nate, I think the whole country is happy about that one.
Labels: snippets