NASA recently scrubbed yet another launch of its new Space Launch System booster rocket, a project that has seen numerous problems and delays. The mission, dubbed Artemis I, is in preparation for an eventual crewed Moon landing for the first time since 1972.

Why exactly are going back to the Moon now?

  • Since 1984, America’s kindergarten classrooms have been facing a chronic moon dust shortage.
  • New images from the James Webb telescope revealed exactly where Alan Shepard’s golf ball landed.
  • The Apollo 14 flag got wrinkled and needs ironing.
  • Buzz Aldrin now owns a selfie stick, and what Buzz wants, Buzz gets.
  • Tom Cruise is remaking 2001: A Space Odyssey and plans to do all his own stunts on the moon. Michael Bay is tapped to direct.
  • Survey shows 65% of Americans believe it’s only a paper moon, and is just sailing over a cardboard sea. The Artemis I mission will demonstrate that it isn’t make-believe, and you really believe in me.
  • It’s Monday, and the Apollo 15 Lunar Roving Vehicle needs to be moved to the opposite side of the street for sweeping.
  • Artemis launch is tied to a marketing campaign for the reintroduction of Tang to thirsty American consumers.
  • The National Archives needs to recover sixteen boxes of classified documents believed to have been left on the Moon by the former administration.
  • We don’t know how he got up there, but Matt Damon needs rescuing. Again.
  • The Union of Concerned Tyromancers is funding a science module to test for evidence of ancient green cheese. (They’re still really sore about the Apollo missions.)
  • NASA’s budget is up for a vote in Congress.

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