Hey, Capri, guess what? It wasn’t the best summer ever. Not even close. I worked the register at Walmart and got carpal tunnel.

Jerry, I just called the number you left. You mom seemed really confused and forgot we were on the same soccer team in middle school. Did you ever have any intention of giving me your new phone number?

Julie, those smiley faces with the hearts for eyes must mean nothing to you. I stood outside your house for two hours last night, and not once did you look out the window. Not one time!

Scott, I tried to stay in touch, so fuck off.

Kate, am I really “so funny”? Really? If I’m so goddamn funny, why doesn’t anyone laugh when I tell a joke. Knock, knock. You’re a liar.

Mr. Coddington, I did my best and it got me nowhere. Any other advice you’d like to offer?

Well, Sabrina, Courtney and I apparently didn’t make such a cute couple. In fact, that shit ended almost before it began. I caught her screwing around with Jerry in the stockroom at Walmart.

Courtney, don’t even get me started on your string of bullshit. I make you happy? Oh, really, that’s news to me. So happy that I bought you a ticket to American Pie, but you never even showed up. Then had the balls to tell me my phone was busy. That’s such a lie. My parents said they weren’t even on the phone that night. It couldn’t have been busy. Don’t forget, I saw you and Jerry. You didn’t even try to hide it.

Andrew, I expected better from you. College wasn’t awesome. In fact, I got kicked out during second semester for cheating on a bio exam. Then my mom got sick and I couldn’t afford to go back. You know that. I told you. But, man, I hope it was “awesome” for you. I hope your whole life is awesome and that every day you wake up and are thrilled with how awesome you became. Don’t worry about me. I’m doing awesome, too.

Amy, I don’t speak French. What does “soyons amis pour toujours” even mean?

Todd, we did have a good time in your parents’ basement. Tell your dad I said hi.