Sex is nice but it can be a hassle—not to mention the performance anxiety. And, too often, the anticipation is better than the main event. These seductive strategies inspired by Golden Age cinema are all innuendo… and they’re guaranteed to get past the censors.
Have your partner slowly dim the lights while you engage in suggestive banter, such as, “Hello there, big boy.”
The Powder Room
Excuse yourself from the boudoir to “freshen up” and “slip into something more comfortable”—and don’t come back.
The “Do Not Disturb” Sign
Check into a luxurious suite with your mistress under false names, preferably something discreet, like “Mr. and Mrs. Loving.” When you arrive at your room, make a big production of drawing the curtains, turning down the bed, and hanging a “Do Not Disturb” notice on the door. Now you’re ready to catch some Zzzs.
Wait! Did you remember to floss?
The Soft Focus
Remove your glasses and shake your hair out of that up-do, letting a long lock fall in front of your eye. Can you say “bombshell”? With blurred and obscured vision, you’re now free to imagine Gary Cooper as your leading man. If only you could find your way to the bed without tripping.
The Champagne Shower
Pop open a bottle of bubbly and laugh in ecstasy as foam sprays everywhere. Spend the rest of the night mopping up.
Squeeze some lube onto your hand and warm it up between your palms. Realize you’re allergic when you break out in itchy hives. Immediately rinse it off and take a Benadryl.
Set the mood with a pulse-pounding soundtrack, featuring a string quartet that swells in volume before erupting into the climactic clamor of fireworks. Now lie on your back and have your playmate apply a cold compress to your forehead until your music-induced migraine subsides.
Tunnel of Love
Meet your beloved at the nearest train platform and cling to each other as a locomotive speeds headfirst into a tunnel.
The Hitchcock Cameo
Rent the apartment directly across the street from your paramour. Walk past the open window at night in a low-cut negligee, holding a glass of warm milk, as they peep through binoculars.
Not into the whole voyeurism thing? Simply whisper the name “Hitchcock” into your lover’s ear.
The Zipper Maneuver
Ask your special someone to help you unzip your slinky cocktail dress (inspired by the legendary Edith Head)—the slower the better. Now be sure to hang it up before it wrinkles. In fact, you should take it to the dry cleaners posthaste.
In which the two of you skip dessert and go straight to your morning grapefruit. The audience can fill in the blanks. Was that a sly wink at the camera, or did you just squirt citrus in your eye?