1. You’re, like, really pretty. And popular with the kids. And, oh, how you’re hated for it, just because you could be elected to anything from Student Council to Congress and make it look easy. But no one knows how much you’ve worked for this, what it takes to keep the red lip popping and the truth bombs dropping when the spotlight is on. It’s lonely at the top, comrade.

2. With those brains, you could do anything. But, you’ve got some morals, so you can settle for being a red rose intellectual, publishing a Žižek-inspired zine here and there… that’ll show ‘em that you’re more than just your smarts. Though, to be clear, it is crucial that everyone knows you got really good grades (meaningless markers of neoliberal meritocracy though they may be).

3. You like dark clothing and hate anything that smacks of hierarchy, unless it’s a revolutionary army. Or, at least that’s what others assume from your whole “burn it down” aesthetic. To be honest, you’re a bit of an underdeveloped trope, so who knows?

4. You’re sporty, charming, handsome—a true golden boy of the professional managerial class! This might lead some to question your politics, even though you volunteer at non-profits and are active in several anti-capitalist book clubs. Hey, as long as you’re not repeating the repressed, middle-class mediocrity that was your dad’s life, you’re good. So, so good.

5. The world hasn’t been easy on you, and you’re not about to be easy on it. But if The Man somehow missed the message, you’ve got more than enough denim, flannel, and attitude to make it clear you’re one working stiff not to be messed with. Some snobby elites might take issue with your “problematic” language, but you know those scolds don’t know what it’s like to really struggle. You’ll still put up your fist in the end, though: Solidarity forever, motherfuckers.


Answers: Well, you’re all either going to be co-opted by centrist conformity or squashed under an authoritarian regime, anyway, so what does it matter? Sure, you might come together for a weekend of rebellion here and there; just don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t you forget about the meaningless factionalism that will always divide you come Monday.


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