1. Now would be a good moment to practice that mindfulness stuff you’ve been hearing about—take a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your tears while you scan for any areas of bodily tension and how DARE your friend have any other friends?
  2. Before your friend even has the chance to say, “How’ve you been?” grab all three of you into a hug and capture selfies in both landscape and portrait modes. Your intense, nervous laughter while doing this is the hallmark of someone completely comfortable in her own skin.
  3. You pride yourself on being someone who can “read the room,” so keep interrupting them—poking on alternate shoulders works best—and saying “let’s go for drinks” in as matter-of-fact a manner as possible until your friend’s friend leaves, or you go for drinks.
  4. To show how at ease you are with your own company, whip out your phone and start swiping frantically on the app that you last looked at forty-seven seconds earlier. Do not look up until your friend’s friend leaves. THAT’s how cool you are. NOBODY else does that in this situation.
  5. When they start exchanging in-jokes, laugh considerably harder than both of them. Look back down at your phone after each one. Swipe frantically.
  6. Stand in front of your friend so that her friend can’t see her. Make minor adjustments to your position to keep her hidden until her friend gives up and walks away and the two of you can be best friends again and revert to having no other friends.
  7. Mutter inaudibly that you’re “just” going to the restroom. The “just” is key here; sitting on the toilet you’ll berate yourself for being so tentative, but only a best friend would be this polite and YOU are the best friend, not this wonderfully charismatic imposter you wish you had met years ago.
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