Jay: So wait. You reject your own column ideas?
Nathan: Pretty much. It's like, you come up with an idea, you think it sucks and you don't do it.
Jay: But you still remember the ideas.
Nathan: So?
Jay: So why keep them around if they suck?
Nathan: There is a shortage of ideas and no shortage of deadlines.
Jay: Fucking profound.

It's a beautiful Monday night. The television is flickering Bloomberg financial news as I await the arrival of another St. Louis Cardinals' game. My belly is full of lean beef and broccoli and my freshly showered hair smells like shampoo, which is actually a lot sexier than it sounds. I am free from another day of work, from another gym session and from responsibility. For at least a few hours or so. It is at times like this that I realize I have a deadline. And that I need a column idea. I have a few. But most of them have been done and many have been done by better writers. The rest of the column ideas just suck.

And then I realized that I could write a list of rejected column ideas and call that a column. I'm such a coy bastard sometimes.

Here are the never-anticipated, never longed for and possibly never even necessary column ideas that I have put on the back burner in the last five years.

Building the Perfect Woman

It's been done to death. So done in fact that the idea inspired that Crazy Chick Sex Gauge column (with the idea being to abolish the idea of the perfect woman and go for one that, you know, isn't totally nuts). I'm pretty sure I've written enough crap about what women need to do to make my life better, too. Of course, I always think that but then another column idea along that open vein pops up in my head later and I find more chum in the not so proverbial chum bucket. It's inevitable. Like rain. This idea, much like the next one and every other idea on this list, is on the back burner. If you see it you'll know I was feeling extra lazy that week.

Find a City to Live In

My friend Aaron suggested this. And I think the idea has some merit. Basically, this would be a column explaining how a person should study a city before they move there to make sure that the city fits their needs. If their needs are funny, then the column would be too. In theory anyways. Also, I'm pretty sure this one's been done before.

What Your Suicide Style Says About You

How you kill yourself could say a lot about you. I couldn't bring myself to write this. Too evil. Also been done too death. Joke about not intending a pun, intended.

Anything on Fashion

This is not an idea, per se, but I know shit about fashion and fashion fits in the general theme of this site and I was thinking I could do a fashion piece but I don't think my wardrobe constitutes 250 words so it might not work. It would definitely be different.

My Personal Drinking Game History

Could anything be more cliché to write on a college humor website than a man's history of participating in drinking games? Of course not. But at least I know the audience is there. This one may be closer than I think (I give the creative process a lot of room—barely even talk to it).

Court Sullivan is a Douche

For my second to last column, this will appear. Mark my words. You will know my retirement is eminent when this column is written. What's awesome: Fearless Editor would post that shit.

I Want to Talk About Some Decade

Remember the eighties? The nineties? Me too!

I was drunk when I considered this idea. That's my only excuse.


Some commenter told me I needed to write a piece on cunnilingus. It may happen…

The Life and Times of Paul Frank

No seriously. This could be an interview piece where I hang with Paul and he reveals some kind of inner secret about his soul and in the end everyone except the Nazis are healed of whatever sickness they have and stuff. It could be surreal or some shit. If we could get Goodyer in on that, we'd have money.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this pathetic attempt to pick your brains for valid column ideas as we begin our summer.

But I really hope for all the poor, starving children wherever they are poor and starving (mainly because I hate maps).

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.