Microphone wrapped in hundred dollar bills

It's a fast paced world; you can either be informed or have an opinion. We don't have time for both. —A Softer World

December's been a real rough month for people who like humanity. For people who like arguing about stuff however, December has been awesome.

A week or so ago, America saw the most atrocious single act to ever occur on its soil, the same soil that has dealt with "Gangnam Style" and "Call Me Maybe" covers for months. American citizens collectively recoiled in horror when they heard that 20 elementary school students and seven adults were killed by a kid who had the good sense to never start a Facebook page.

The only reason that anyone has an opinion anymore is not because of any kind of search for truth, it's because they are looking to get paid.Being Americans, after this atrocity took place, members of our media and ruling class got together and took time to heal as a nation. After those ten seconds were up, said rulers and media members proceeded to scream at the top of their lungs very serious and ardent opinions developed by corporations and lobbyists because this is the greatest country ever.

Some folks said that we need stricter gun laws to make it illegal for crazy twenty year old kids to get handguns and semi-automatic rifles despite the fact that in the state of Connecticut it is totally already illegal for sane 20-year-olds to own handguns or semi-automatic rifles. These people totally thought they were making sense.

Some folks came out and said that every school system in the country should have armed guards because said folks remember school only being a little bit like a prison and really want to make sure their children and grandchildren get the feel of a police state way before they're daily policed as adults. These people totally thought they were making sense.

Now I, being of sound mind and finally free of the ringing in my ears caused by excessive "Gangnam Style" covers, had just geared up to throw my hat into the incredibly volatile "We need a law that's already in place" vs. "Let's make sure our children are surrounded by guns at all time" argument when an old man allegedly lit a bunch of houses on fire and murdered the fire and rescue personnel who came to put out the fires.

So I decided that I wasn't gonna think about any of this shit until I finished my figgy pudding and downed a gallon of brandy-infused eggnog.

And now that I'm so hungover my sobriety is actually intimidating, I have come to a conclusion:


Everyone with an agenda is pushing it through the pain and suffering of murderous rampages. You think video games are the reason? Psychotropic drugs? Television? Social media? A lack of religion? Well guess what, you are fucking wrong. The only reason that anyone has an opinion anymore is not because of any kind of search for truth, it's because they are looking to get paid. Beauty is truth and truth beauty, as the man once said. And the truth is that no one expressed one opinion on television or through newspapers without thinking about how said opinion would affect their bank accounts, so everyone's opinion can and should be discounted.

It's a fast paced and monetized world right now and so part of the new normal is as follows: if you in the media or in government have an opinion, it can and should be discounted because all of you paid politicians and paid media motherfuckers are shilling for a buck.

People can sometimes love each other. They can sometimes help each other. And with a little luck, they can even help heal each other. But they don't help on television and they don't help in Washington and they don't help through news organizations.

In a country that can't manufacture goods, the best way we can find to make money is to manufacture hatred and dissonance. It's an awesome way to live, especially if you're opinionated and lazy. And you're American, so the odds are pretty good you're both.

Fuck everybody. I'm going back to bed.