>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
November 22, 2006


There are a lot of things that happen in college that will never happen again in your entire life. There are good things such as Jell-O wrestling, promiscuity, and essentially little to no judgment when it comes to extensive drinking and drug use; and then there are bad things like exams, getting locked out of your room because your roommate is getting it on, and the fact that you will probably have to spend some time after college in AA or rehab.

Sometimes, however, people get caught up in all the hype and forget what a ridiculous and great place COLLEGE really is. So if for even one second you forget where you are… please revert back to my list, because this is your ultimate reminder.

You know you’re in college when… you go to the bathroom only to realize that you don’t have one square of toilet sheet anywhere in your house.

You don’t even have a paper towel. If you’re lucky, you might still have a couple of napkins left over from Taco Bell, but you think someone threw out those leftovers because they were from like three weeks ago. Come to think of it, everyone you live with is far too lazy to throw away anything that isn’t theirs… so your three-week-old Taco Bell is probably still in the living room squished in between the Lay-Z-Boy and the couch.

“You know you're in college when you think it’s Friday on Tuesday and you didn’t know it was April yet.”

When you think of it logistically, you could probably find the amount of money it would cost to buy a roll of toilet paper under one cushion of your couch, but toilet paper is just one of those things that nobody wants to splurge on…you’d rather spend the money on beer anyways.

You know you’re in college when… you have a love/hate relationship with your refrigerator.

You will only ever have a relationship of this sort with your fridge while in college. Think back to the days when you were under your parent’s roof and the sub-zero was always full of tasty offerings. How could you hate that fridge? It offered milk that wasn’t curdled, juice that wasn’t reserved for screwdrivers, and tomato sauce that wasn’t moldy. You probably could have lived for a month off of that fridge you had back home, and there’s no way you could have a heart beat of hate for that thing. You wouldn’t exactly say you loved it though would you? It didn’t give you things like beer and cheesedip. And that freezer did fuck you over a few times. Only on your fourth attempt to steal your parent’s vodka (the only thing not in “the cabinet”) did you realize that when you take vodka out of the freezer, steal some, and then refill it with water, it will freeze, and you will get caught.

In college, however, sometimes you love your fridge, and sometimes you hate it. You love it when you have a party and find a full thirty-rack left in the bottom, and you hate it when you open it after a week of Spring Break only to find some sort of maggot colony living in your hamburger buns. Simple as that.

You know you’re in college when… you use bathing suits as underwear and then go commando for a week before you do laundry.

This is especially true for people living in off-campus housing. For the most part, when you live in the dorms, all that doing laundry requires is a shitload of quarters, your roommate’s detergent, and a walk down a flight of stairs. When you live in an apartment, doing laundry requires finding a ride to the laundry mat, stealing detergent from someone there, (there’s not a shot in hell your roommate has any, and if he does he measures it now to make sure you don’t use it) a few hours of your time, and most likely missing at least one episode of a show you like, most likely South Park or Lost. Personally, when I get desperate I just throw some clothes in the bathtub with hand soap; you’d be surprised how well that can work out.

You know you’re in college when… you do any of the following things on a daily basis: IM, check your Facebook profile more than once (you know you do, you’re lucky I didn’t say more than five times), you conversate via text message, or you make no effort to get something that you are out of (and have probably been out for the past week) that could hypothetically be considered a basic need, such as shampoo or toothpaste.

(I don’t see the need to elaborate on any of said daily activities.)

And finally, you know you’re in college when…

-You talk about Beirut as a sport.
-You make your dishwasher bubble over by using dish soap instead of dish washing detergent.
-You open a beer at ten in the morning and your roommate promptly asks if you have any more.
-You have thrown out a plate or bowl because you didn’t feel like washing it.
-You get a phone call on a Wednesday night at midnight from a wasted guy slurring his words so badly you aren’t sure if he has a speech impediment.
-You can’t figure out if you’ve been drinking for nine days or fourteen because you lost track after seven.
-You think it’s Friday on Tuesday and you didn’t know it was April yet.
-You walk into your living room to find a random
guy playing guitar on the couch
.
-You eventually consider showering a special occasion.
-Or, simply, if you are reading this article.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.