Yeah, sometimes I like to get pedicures. Seriously, no homo though. People actually have it really backwards when they say that shit's gay. Think about it, bro—you're sitting there and some Asian chick is on her knees rubbing your feet while you read a magazine or whatever.

Who cares what magazine? I just read whatever's lying there. It doesn't even matter, I'm usually just enjoying having a subservient woman at my feet.

Man getting an Asian foot massage
Does a female slave sound gay to you? No way, dude, that's straight sex on your feet.
Yeah, I mean sometimes it's Cosmo, but there's some funny stuff in there. You know, like the embarrassing stories and stuff—it's awesome when chicks do stupid shit, dude.

Anyway, back to the point. There's totally some girl who barely speaks English at your feet rubbing the gross shit off of them. How much worse can you dominate a woman than that? That's right, bro, you can't.

Well yeah they speak in whatever Asian language sometimes, and no, I don't know exactly what they're saying, but it's probably just them talking about whatever happened last night on "Vietnamese Idol" or something.

"Knots" are not code for "anal virginity," and "muscle" does not stand for "sexual."Sure, it's possible they're saying stuff about me.

Technically, yes, it's possible they're calling me a "pencil dick white boy," but that would just be unprofessional.

Well fine, let's just agree to disagree or whatever. Still, I think we can definitely agree that my weekly massages make me a baller.


It's Joel.

Okay, fine bro, I said his name is Joel. My masseuse's name is Joel. I must reiterate my earlier statement, though—no homo.

Man, sometimes I don't even think you know what no homo means. Have you never heard no homo before? No, he doesn't do any gay shit, he just gives me epic massages.

No, "epic" does not mean "oral."

Yeah, as a matter of fact he does have big, strong, hands. They work really well to get knots out and help relieve my muscle tension.

No, "knots" are not code for "anal virginity," and "muscle" does not stand for "sexual."

Don't be a dick, dude. Joel's not gay and he's a totally cool guy. You'd like a massage if you got one from him. You always bitch about how much your back hurts after the gym and he could totally fix it if you just went.

Alright, it's time for a little primer on the meaning of no homo. It was developed in the mid 1990's to mean "that shit is NOT GAY, BRO."


Well, yeah, one time, but I think it was by accident.

Maybe not accidentally, exactly, but it was just like random and whatever. No big deal.

Okay, he did it on purpose, but I thought of Jessica Alba.

It was just a handjob and I pictured a chick!

No homo?