Hi. Remember me? I'm really boring. What do you say we look at the US Dollar this week? You'd rather watch porn? Yeah, I can't blame you. 

Well, at least we're not in some sort of financial mess because of American ignorance surrounding basic economic policies. That would make this so awkward…

Yeah, here we go. 

Dollar Dollar Bills, Y'all

Bernanke and Lincoln merged into a dollar billThe United States has a form of currency that we use when the debit card swiper-thingy is not working (or when we need to buy illegal narcotics): the US Dollar. The US Dollar is a currency and currencies are pieces of paper that we use to represent stuff we cannot carry around on us: like cows and/or prostitutes. 

The history of the US Dollar is a very muddled mess and it tends to make this particular author very angry, and because this particular author is old and has been informed that his blood pressure is too high, he will not be going into the very evil history of what some very evil bankers did to steal the dollar from the American people and whore it out as if it were a hot high school dropout fresh from a central Florida trailer park. 

If someone came in and made a trillion more prostitutes, the result would be five cent hand jobs. That is called inflation.But only a big jerk introduces a column by telling the reader what he will not be going into. And so this big jerk will now attempt to get to the point:

Ben Bernanke is straight up lying to all of us, insulting our collective intelligence while robbing us blind. And we deserve it much in the same way that your average hot high school dropout fresh from a central Florida trailer park deserves menthol cigarettes and a job as a stripper.  Some things are destined, indeed. 

(Ah, but destined by whom?)

(I've been talking to myself a lot lately and the truth is, I am kind of scaring me.)

Ben Bernanke, for those of you who do not know, is the spokesman for the Federal Reserve, which is a banking system that charges the American government a lot of money to put out American currency.  They do other things too but I'm trying to keep you from falling asleep here. Anyway, when Bernanke speaks, well let's just say that no president of any country has ever introduced or approved any legislation that has had as much effect on the various business markets in the world than one simple speech by Burly Ben can do.  The man has power. 

To borrow from Ron Burgundy, he's kind of a big deal. 

Easy Does It

Man pushing a wheelbarrow of cash.The dictionary definition of the word "quantitative" is: of a measurement based on some quantity or number rather than on some quality.  Remember that, because it's super important.  Not as important as seat belts, but close. 

The dictionary definition of the word "easing" is: the act of reducing something unpleasant (as pain or annoyance).  You probably knew that.  You turned on a computer, after all. 

So then, by definition, quantitative easing would be the across the board reduction of un-pleasantries.  Sounds totally awesome.  I am all for the across the board reduction of un-pleasantries.  I also like fried chicken and recessed filters so my preference doesn't necessarily indicate my correctness.  But whatever, fried chicken kicks ass. 

Now, Burly Ben Bernanke is talking about getting all quantitatively easy on the markets.  What he means by this is that he's gonna make the economy hella better by printing a trillion dollars and buying assets with it (Treasury Debt, preferred stocks, or both).  For those of you who don't know, every time more dollars are printed, the dollar loses its purchasing power and prices increase.  It's a simple economic theory that I can naturally apply to prostitutes:

If the world had only a hundred prostitutes, those hookers would be in high demand and would charge a shit ton of money for their services.  If someone came in and made a trillion more prostitutes, the result would be five cent hand jobs (sidenote: the aforementioned trailer parks of Central Florida are actually working toward five cent hand jobs as we speak).  This is called inflation and no matter what anyone tells you, it is not a good thing.  We do not want inflation.  We want easing (and apparently, prostitutes). 

So, there is nothing really quantitative about quantitative easing because it purchases specific securities (specifics are qualitative) and increases inflation (which is an annoyance we would rather do without).  In fact, a better definition for what the Fed Chairman has proposed would be: qualitative meddling.  But that's just not nearly as catchy. 

The Inflation Lie

Bernanke trying to keep an airplane in the air with balloonsMark Twain once called statistics "whores."  This, as those of us who study financial markets can tell you, is an insult to whores.  Bernanke often uses statistics to justify his actions.  Therefore, Bernanke is relying on whores to get your money.  Which means Bernanke is a motherhumping pimp and from here on will be referred to by this author as Pimp Daddy B. 

Pimp Daddy B seems to think that some amount of inflation is necessary for economic growth.  Because, apparently, nothing is better for an economy than things getting more expensive.  Now, while I believe this to be true if the increase in costs of goods grows correspondently with an increase in income… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sorry, I think I bored myself to sleep there for a minute.  My bad.

Anyway, Big Pimping Bernanke likes to say that we are nearing deflation because of a decrease in what is called our Core CPI, which is a measurement of the costs of goods and services that specifically excludes food and energy, which have both seriously increased in price while pretty much everything else has fallen.  If you don't use that particular statistic, and you actually include energy and food in your analysis, inflation is actually pretty out of control in the other direction.  Stuff keeps getting more expensive at the supermarket and less expensive at the auto dealership because people are broke and are spending money on that which they need to live, not that which they need to sparkle and shine. 

It is pretty much each American's understanding that the day to day cost of living is steadily increasing while super expensive stuff like cars and houses are decreasing.  You do not need a degree in economics to figure this out. Hell, your average prostitute can tell what's going on here and she was raised by a man who poured generic whiskey on his cereal (stereotypically speaking, of course). 

So, Pimp Daddy Bernanke is saying that by making trillions of dollars available to specific companies in specific industries, he will cause the price of everything to increase.  And he is saying that this is a good thing.  He is doing what industry specialists call, "Smiling to your face while shitting on your sandwich" (I believe that phrase was coined by Adam Smith but it may have been Gordon Gecko).  And he will keep doing it as long as you keep letting him. 

Yes, I'm not above blaming you for this.  I know what you're like. 

Common Motherhumping Sense

Police brutality posterGovernment policies are only deemed successful if they work for government.  The War on Drugs, the War on Poverty, the War on Illiteracy, the War in Afghanistan, Stimulus, etc. are all viewed as super awesome for government because they expanded the scope of government while enriching those in power.  That's what the powerful are about.  That's why they take the gig.  This is common sense. 

In that sense, quantitative easing has been a huge success, enriching the lives of those in power and those chosen by the powerful while robbing from the average Joes of our society.  And that's nothing new.  And that's the problem. 

The American people simply aren't exercising any common sense.  A dude is getting on television and telling a nation that he needs to make everything more expensive to make their lives better.  Which is… what?

This situation was put more eloquently, naturally by someone else: economist Ropert P. Murphy, who is way too young to be as bald as he is. 

Take it away, Bobby:

"Nobody would be so foolish as to claim that the computer industry is stagnant because of constantly falling prices, and nobody breathes a sigh of relief that medical care keeps getting more expensive."

And yet Pimp Daddy B keeps getting you to spend your cash on his whores.

In conclusion, it is crucial that we, as a culture, take the time to understand a little bit about global financial markets so when we get pimp slapped by the pimps that be, we know it is actually not in our best interests. 

Oh, and also, I'm really boring.

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