"I only drink on two occasions, when I'm with people and when I'm alone."
Mandatory Listening: "I Drink Alone" by George Thorogood
There are lots of reasons you should drink alone: the economy is in the shitter; Joe Biden is a heartbeat away from the presidency; Olivia Munn isn't your girlfriend. And despite what your addiction counselor, significant other, or bastard children say, drinking by yourself is totally fine and healthy. As long as you do it right.
First off, make sure you don't have anything cool going on in your schedule. You don't want to be missing your friend's girlfriends' friends' pillow-fight lingerie party because you wanted to drink Johnnie Walker Red in your room. Your room and scotch will be there tomorrow. Hot, nearly naked girls won't.
You don't have to talk to fat people because your buddy wants to bang the hot one. You don't even have to talk to people.Now it's time to hit the store. Buy something you can drink all night. Sure Bloody Marys are healthy and delicious, but can you drink them for six hours? Nope. Same with Red Bull vodkas—unless you're one of those people who can only operate when they're vibrating from caffeine. Also, don't drink anything too complicated like cosmopolitans, mojitos, or old-fashioneds; we're talking three ingredients max. Because nothing is worse than drinking margaritas all night, then running out of mix and slugging straight triple sec at four in the morning. When I drink alone, it's vodka or whiskey on the rocks. But you choose your own weapon.
After you've purchased your poison, get dressed for the occasion. The trick is to just not give a shit. Usually I like to wear just a towel and a zip-up hooded sweatshirt, but that's just because I keep forgetting to buy a bathrobe. If you want to come home from work and drink gin and tonics in your best dress suit, who the fuck gives a shit? Astro-Boy t-shirt and basketball shorts? A wrestling singlet? Cowboy boots and a jockstrap? As long as you don't care, that's all that matters.
Trust me, it's a sausagefest anyway.So you're dressed for the un-occasion and you've got a tasty cocktail in your hand. Now what?
That's also for you to decide. The beauty of imbibing individually is that you don't have to listen to your fucking annoying friends. If you want to watch cartoon cooking shows in Spanish, go for it. You could enjoy listening to Morrisey in your darkroom while painting poetry on your face and putting make-up on a canvas. Or maybe re-imagining family photos by smashing them with a hammer suits your fancy, in which case, do it up.
Sometimes I like to sit on my bed and look at the walls. Does the paint get drier? Will the whitewash change color over time? Is it grosser to put chunky or creamy peanut butter on your balls when you want to teabag your roommate's dog? And is it gay if it's a boy dog? These are the deep philosophical questions that keep me up at night.
Solo sloshing is great. You don't need to buy drinks for your cheapass friends. You don't have to talk to fat people because your buddy wants to bang the hot one. You don't even have to talk to people. You choose the music, mood lighting, dress code, and décor. Or just drink naked in your closet. See if I give a crap…because I don't!
The point is, you're by yourself. You get to choose what you want to do. You want to fire up some microwavable pizza bagels, a Totino's Party Pizza, and eat an entire box of JuJu Fruits, who's going to judge you? Do you want to channel your inner Darius Rucker and play the entire Hootie and The Blowfish archives on Rock Band? Fucking go ahead, it's your God-given right. Want to touch yourself while fantasizing about Amy Winehouse dyking out with Barbara Streisand? Do it up. Are you going to polish off a bottle of Captain Morgan's by yourself, stick your head in the oven, call your ex and then hang up? Again? It doesn't matter—nobody is watching or caring!
So if nothing cool is going on, tell your friends you're just going to chill at home. Lock the doors. Score some booze. Buy some frozen pizza-related food items. Because you're ready for the one-person party of the year! But don't forget the Kleenexes. You'll need something to cry into, and nothing ruins a cool t-shirt like the tears of the lonely.