>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
April 26, 2006

As the saying goes…the grass is always greener. (And if there’s some on the field, I’m playing. Just kidding. Ew.) It’s generally true though: when you’re taken, you’re jealous of your single friends who are playing the field. And when you’re single, you’re jealous of your friends who are tied down and getting laid on a regular basis. And I mean tied down in the “in a relationship” kind of way, not in the bondage way…just to clear things up. Whatever the case, there are pros and cons to each. Both situations can be either a blessing or a curse. On the off chance that you are borderline on deciding whether to stick to one pair of genitals for a while or continue your bed hopping, this should help make things a little bit clearer for you.

The Single Life

Living single (that was a TV show in the early 90’s wasn’t it?) can be pretty sweet. If you are an unattached woman, the perks can be abundant. First of all, you can let yourself slide a little bit—face it, those extra five pounds won’t bother you as much. You also don’t have to shave 50% of your body every day, and you can wear your bathing suits as underwear without anyone noticing.

“You don’t really notice how much those dinners, bottles of Andre, and free taxi rides add up until you don’t have someone else paying for them.”

But perhaps best of all, you can spend as much time with your friends as you want. This is a big thing because spending some quality time with your girls in college is super important. Pretty soon we’re all going to be in the “real world,” working real jobs and living with boyfriends. Those Sunday nights that were spent getting wine drunk, watching Big Love, and discussing period cramps will be long gone. Plus, while spending special time with your girlfriends, you can bitch about “that girl” who has ditched all of you for her boyfriend and know that you are nowhere close to sinking to that level. In fact, you are completely exempt from that possibility at all!

On the downside, there are 3 days of every year in which it is completely shitty to be a single girl no matter what: your birthday, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day. And please, don’t give me that Anti-Valentine’s Day bullshit. Yes, yes, it is a bullshit holiday, I know this. But it’s a fact of life that as soon as you see all of the crap that your friends are getting from their boyfriends on this “bullshit” holiday, you do get jealous. It’s understandable and expected, kind of like Paris Hilton’s porn. I was single this past Valentine’s Day (unless you count the keg I pretended I was dating) and my roommate got a pair of fuzzy socks with animal heads from her boyfriend. I’m ashamed to say it, but I was more jealous of those fucking animal socks than I am of Sarah Jessica Parker’s closet.

Aside from the holidays, you can’t get laid on a regular basis in the single world without getting called a slut or a whore. Hell I can barely write about sex without getting called a slut. And of course, you don’t get any free shit. Everyone loves free shit, girls and guys alike. While chivalry is as close to dead as cassette tapes, opening doors, flowers, and free meals will always come as part of a relationship. You don’t really notice how much those dinners, bottles of Andre, and free taxi rides add up until you don’t have someone else paying for them.

Single men truly do have it pretty easy. On the upside, you never have a woman nagging you (aside from your mother and close girls that are friends). You can wear what you want, eat what you want, go out when you want, burp and fart freely, and come home reeking of pot without an interrogation. You can watch sports whenever you want, get a text message from your ex-girlfriend without having to deal with the silent treatment from your current woman for a week, and wear the same boxers for as many days in a row as you want. You can watch as much porn as you need to, keep the Playboys in your bathroom, and not worry about clearing your internet history every morning to hide your addiction. You also save a shit load of money. Being single on just one of the big three holidays should save you a hundred dollars easy.

As far as the negatives go, the colossal one for you guys is not getting ass regularly. While you won’t be labeled a “slut” for sleeping around, it’s obviously not as easy to find someone to sleep with the second you are in the mood. Unless you are super smooth with the ladies, it could even be a while before your next blowjob. You also don’t have anyone to chill with when all your buddies are with their girlfriends. As a result, you may pick up a dorky hobby or video game addiction which will further stunt your attempts at getting any ass.

The Ball and Chain

When you land a guy who isn’t a complete pain in the ass, life can be great. I will try to put it in words for you, but if this doesn’t do it, just watch the music video for In My Arms by Mylo. You will wish you had a significant other, I promise.

To start with, there is all that corny crap that you say you hate but you secretly love. That occasional couple walking down the street arm in arm that doesn’t make you throw up in your mouth a little bit, the simple act of a guy putting his arm around you, a handpicked flower when he’s walking you home…. I know I know, it sounds like I’m writing this as I watch The Notebook. I’m not…really, I’m not. You have someone to spoon with and watch movies with, someone to tell you that you are beautiful and sexy and feel how smooth your legs are. You are also less likely to have to pay for a majority of meals and most of your alcohol, so you suddenly have more money to go tanning and splurge on that sale at Urban. Trust me, when you finally find a guy who is the perfect mixture of sweetheart and asshole, gives you butterflies and gets you off, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Relationships are all fine and dandy when things are going smoothly. But like a leg after a nice shave, soon things may get stubbly, and then even hairy. First of all, you may find out things about your boyfriend that disturb you. He may have a jealousy issue, a pot smoking issue, and an anger management problem. Maybe he picks his nose and eats it or needs someone to explain to him that his hand isn’t actually glued to his balls; he can keep it somewhere else when in public.

Also, when you have a boyfriend, you have to be really good with the whole time management thing. Spending too much or too little time together can make even the strongest power couples get bored or tired. You also have to be careful about the cheating factor. Is dancing with another guy cheating? I mean grinding is kind of similar to the dry humping phenomenon….

And then there is the side of you that you don’t like to let come out when you are in a relationship. While it sucks having a jealous boyfriend, it also sucks being a jealous girlfriend…and not wanting to be. Trust me, girls in general would like nothing more than to BE COOL if another girl chats you up at a party, eyeballs you in City Market, or pokes you on Facebook. Unfortunately, as a woman, we are doomed to let all of these things piss us off more than Van Wilder being engaged to Alanis Morissette (yes, it’s true).

Boys, if you haven’t heard of something called an “alarm clock,” you’ll want to learn what it is and share it with your girlfriend ASAP. This kind of alarm clock doesn’t have a snooze button or a CD player. This kind of alarm clock wakes you up by placing her mouth over your erection and moving her head in an up and down motion. Chances are you won’t be getting this from a one-night stand. At first I didn’t understand why this was so special and why you wouldn’t rather just have sex. It was then explained to me that sometimes you are too tired or hungover to get it on in the morning but still have a raging boner. The “alarm clock”
thing is a nice compromise…for you that is.

Alarm clocks aside, girlfriends are good for a lot of things. They’ll give you massages and make sure you make it home to bed so you don’t pass out on the floor…again. Girlfriends will help you keep your life in order and give you an excuse to watch Sex and the City without looking like a complete douchebag to your male friends.

Things can definitely take a turn for the worse though when your woman starts becoming any one of the following things: needy, demanding, bitchy, whiny, dumb, or jealous. The problem is that she is guaranteed to be at least three out of these six things for a minimum of five days out of every month. Having a girlfriend can be exhausting; some girls can be quite the handful. When you’re not giving us attention, we crave it, and when you give us attention, we feel crowded. It’s a no-win sitch.

Girls will pull all sorts of shit, and the crazy ones will probably make you choose not to procreate just to be sure no more crazy bitches are brought into this world. Girls will cry when you want to go chill with your boys, scratch “prick” into your car when you cheat on their best friend, throw-up in your buddies Audi when they are blacked out, and accuse you of everything from thinking she’s fat to sending a Facebook message to your ex-girlfriend. Once in a blue moon you’ll land a chick you can tolerate though, who still looks cute when she’s belligerent, and gives the best blowjob you’ve ever gotten.

So whether you choose to settle down or get naked with a lot of different people in a short amount of time, there are perks and downfalls to each. In this rollercoaster of drama that we call college, you will get to experience both the good and bad sides of being single and getting tied up. And I mean that in both the relationship way and the bondage way. Live it up.