>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
September 19, 2004


Before I begin I'd like to thank my good friend Adam for giving me the male perspective of this “taboo” topic. He had a little bit of difficultly opening up at first but by the end of the convo he had the ability to say “spermicide” without laughing. Glorified medical terminology and lubricant has reigned triumphant once again.

Porn is always a touchy subject with a lot of people. Most of you reading this right now will never openly admit in a conversation that you have any sort of porn—and even more than that have openly denied even surfing any relatively suggestive websites. And also right now half of you reading this are currently downloading Kobe Tai's latest and your computer's website history reads “FreePornPics.Com” (thirty-seven times for each picture you clicked on). And while we're talking about illegally trading and swapping, does anyone ever opt for more than four-minute clips of porn? Let's face it, when you're horny you just want to see something arousing. No one has time to wait four hours for a decent full session to download.

What is with these search engines on our download providers? I wanted to download a Dixie Chicks video the other day and three hundred titles popped up that varied from “Chicks with Dix – big slut takes strap-on up the ass!!!”; “Three blonde chicks gangbanged by prison guards”; and “Asian amateur wife sucks monster cock, slut Britney Spears, anus, bondage.” I mean come on! Who knew Britney Spears sucked monster cock? And who knew she was Asian for that matter…

Funny story, in high school, when I took journalism seriously for the school's newspaper, I couldn't remember the address of the White House. So I figured I could just type in www.whitehouse.com as any normal American would do in a situation like this, and to my surprise what greeted me was not the first family's picture, but a trio of topless brunettes sucking a dildo asking me if I want to play hardcore. And no it wasn't Chelsea and the future Bush sisters. But if had to vote for the president based on naked photos of their daughters…well let's just say it's the only time any liberal college student would vote Republican.

Lots of chicks think that just because they've got a boyfriend and they're hooking up on a regular basis means that he's going to delete his entire stash of porn. Errr! Wrong! When we're tired or have a headache and he's super nice about it, he'll tuck you in, say, “That's alright get some sleep,” then go home to whatever porn site he can find. Chivalry is dead baby. Truth hurts.

A couple of guys I knew last year decided to bet on who could go without masturbating the longest, and the winner got a 24-pack of beer. Two guys couldn't even hit the 45-minute mark, and the ones that made it to five days were very jumpy and developed a malicious nature towards their buddies, professors, and farm animals—pretty much anything they could masturbate to got the evil nasty streak. By the time it finally ended no one could determine who won because when they calculated time frames of alone time, they figured out that the three of them lost the bet…at the same time. They all agreed never to do anything as stupid as this again, and they all lived happily ever after.

Finding porn on your roommate's computer is nothing when you're a guy. Our campus has a network which allows you to log on and view all the music and videos on other people's players. Many campuses operate on a network, so if yours does you know that there's always that one guy who is for lack of a better phrase, “The Porn King.” His network name is something sexually clever, like “Mike Oxlong,” and he is the main provider of porn to everyone else on campus. I know the porn king on my campus—we're actually friends—and I've seen his friends go into a panic when he's not logged on. Phone calls coming in from all sides of the campus: “Hey man you're computer broken?” “No.” “Then turn it on man, I've got to rub one out before class!” I'm standing there listening to this thinking, “So that's why guys were always late to Bio Diversity….” This makes so much sense now.

Although I'm wondering, if your professor asked you why you were late to class and you had to answer with either, “I had to rub one out,” or “I just took a really big dump,” which one would you choose?

I downloaded a porn clip earlier this week, and for three hours after seeing the three-minute clip I wondered how the porn industry is a billion dollar business. A couple was getting it on doggy-style when someone (probably a freaking intern) came in off screen to pull a pad of paper and pen from the bed. Nice work gentlemen, but I don't think anyone would have been able to rip their attention away from the poorly-angled money shot to focus on the office supplies. Not to mention the chick looked just as excited about banging the leprechauns as I was watching it.

According to Adam, when a guy finds porn on a girl's computer it's pretty much the equivalent of winning the lottery. Especially if her stash is filled with lesbian and threesome action. Because guys believe that with her there is at least potential for a threesome. Which may not necessarily be true, but that's what guys think. You know girls say that guys are dumb, but I guess if my hormones kept me sexually crazed 24 hours a day I'd think in pretty fucked up ways too.

But whatever you do, don't take too many tips on having sex from porn. Because then guys think that you're a freak in bed, and like a porn star you like to get freaky in bed with everyone—making you a slutty porn star. Guys are never satisfied. You don't want an angel and you don't want a porn star. Is there middle ground? Probably not. Come to think of it that's probably why you watch so much porn in the first place. Now it all makes sense. Not really, but ladies, just go with it.

Adam also mentioned that at one point in every man's life he thinks he can make it as a porn star. That's right ladies, your younger brother at one point believed that he could be like Superman and Batman, but as he got older so did his fantasies. That's when he began to believe he could be Captain Fantasdick or The Woodman. Gives a whole new meaning to the word “utility belt” doesn't it?

I also figured out why guys have so much porn. They can watch Die Hard twenty times a year, but can't stand to see Peter North's cumshot more than twice. Apparently porn has no replay value, so they've got to stock up—have so much they forget an old one and can get off to it two months later. Now the billion dollar business makes sense. It's always in demand.

A while ago I mentioned that if I had to invest money in the stark market I'd invest in Budweiser and Miller Products. Well you can tack Playboy on to that list too. My doctor's office is in the same building as the Playboy company in downtown Chicago. Which is just really odd how two floors above me there's a girl being airbrushed to perfection, and I'm standing under linoleum lighting in a starchy gown that doesn't cover my ass. Would I make it as a porn star? Not in this outfit baby.

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.