>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
January 9, 2005

There comes a time in everyone's day when they have to wake up and get out of bed. Now if you're smart and eagerly diligent enough, you might be able to complete your major without having to wake up before 10am all through college. It doesn't always work out that way, but it is possible. My academic schedule for the past four years was filled with classes that all started in the early afternoon, around eleven. Some people say that 11am is still morning, but as a rule of thumb I like to go by the McDonald's schedule. They stop serving breakfast at 10:30, therefore the morning is over at 10:30. Therefore if I wake up at 10:45, I would have to get a double cheeseburger combo instead of a sausage egg McMuffin. Therefore it's the afternoon. Therefore I'm lovin' it!

Unfortunately, my good fortune with the “sleep in and catch the early lunch before the freshmen tumble in like a herd of hungry cattle” schedule took a wrong turn and it appeared that I had to take an 8:30 class. An 8:30 class my senior year. An 8:30 class my senior year and if you hadn't noticed I like to drink and have fun on the weekdays. Which ultimately means that sleeping in is not a luxury, but a necessity. Which means that something has to change and it wasn't going to be my sleeping and drinking habits. But something had to go, and sadly that entity was my snooze button. I'm not kidding. I literally removed it from my clock and threw it in my closet. You see, I have a bunk bed and normally I have to get out of bed to shut off the alarm. You'd think since I'm up I'd just shower and dress from that point, but I don't. I grab a pillow, press snooze, and make a space for myself right there on the floor.

Having an early class really isn't that big of a deal. It's actually getting there that's the problem. My classroom is literally 150 feet from my dorm. I could wake up at 8, press snooze once, get out of bed, pee, grab my books and head to class in my pajamas. But that's just the problem: I won't get out of bed. I refuse to get out of bed. My body is going “What the fuck? It's McDonald's Breakfast Time, it ain't Quarter Pounder Time, go back to sleep bitch!” And I listen to it, because I know it's right. And I pass out over and over again thanks to the snooze button, only to wake up 5 minutes before class starts when the only seats left are in the front of the room.

I hate that. I hate sitting in the front of the room. Everyone is now staring at my bed hair. Chuckling as you walk in, the professor always says something snide like, “Hey glad you could make it today sleepy head!” and then directs you to your seat. You know the one. The right up there in front, dead center where your professor can see you taking notes one. And you won't be able to be a face in the crowd where you can daydream the lecture away. Now he will call on you to read aloud and answer questions from readings he knows you didn't do because you reek like bar and are sitting in the “weekday drinking punishment” seat.

That seat is mine now. Because while we don't have assigned seats like we're fifth graders anymore, we still continue to sit next to the same people everyday like a routine. And now, because I didn't make it to my first class early, I have a seat up front. And have you seen the way people look at you when you take their seat? They're either confused as to where to go and don't have a fucking clue where to sit, or they glare at you intently for over 10 seconds, which means if you're sitting there next class there will be serious repercussions. Like the original seat owner is threatening to come to class fifteen minutes early just to make sure he gets the seat…because it's a small school and he knows as well as you do that you're not getting up early anytime soon.

And it's not like this class is even one of those bullshit classes where you can go twice a week and still maintain a B average. Nope, it's a math course—the one everyone needs to graduate. The one where you have to be there every single day to understand what is going on. A class your high school teachers promised you would never have to take in college unless you majored in business, economics, or well, MATH!! LIES!! Just like McDonald's saying their food doesn't make people fat! LIES, ALL LIES!!

It wouldn't be so bad if I was a morning person, but I never have been, and I never will be. I don't like being talked to in the morning. I don't like being asked any questions in the morning. I don't like hearing anyone else speak in the morning. At first, after I asked my roommates to make sure I was awake in the mornings, they'd be soft and sweet like, “Monie! Wake up! Monie! Time to get up!” But after a week of whipping pillows at their heads, they just started screaming really loudly, “GET UP FOR FUCKING CLASS SIMONNE!! YOU NEED TO GET UP!! YOU LATE AGAIN!!” followed by a door slam to avoid any more cushioned aerial attacks.

So now I am in bed almost every night by midnight. Every night before I go to bed I try to promise myself that I am going to wake up for breakfast, look over my math homework, and get a better seat in class. And every day so far I have run to class and sat in the front row with an empty tummy, sleep sand in my eyes, no make up, no contacts, and a baseball hat. I am looking good let me tell you. But at this hour of the morning, no one's loving it.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.