Simon Says

A modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.

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Simon says applaud if you’re ready to binge-watch the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.

Simon says put your hands on your hips if you didn’t realize this year’s summer games were not actually called the 2021 Olympics, and if you’re also wondering if this means the athletes will only have three years to prepare for the 2024 Olympics—or will they be pushed to 2025?

Whistle if you don’t care, as long as you get to watch beach volleyball star Taylor Crabb and the entire men’s swimming team prance around with their shirts off.

WRONG. First of all, Simon did not say to do that. Second of all, poor Taylor has tested positive for Covid-19 and is likely going to be sidelined (have you no shame?). And third of all, the objectification of men is never something to condone, Olympians or not!

Simon says touch your toes if you’re thrilled to watch GOAT Simone Biles bring home a few more medals for her collection and also top the charts on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter because of a confused baby.

Simon says jump up and down because you just won tickets to watch the U.S women’s soccer (I mean, football) team attempt to redeem themselves after getting spanked by Sweden in game one.

Psych! You haven’t been paying attention to the incessant news cycles. No fans allowed in the stands!

Simon says please stop jumping. Leave that to the winners of the 3-on-3 basketball events. You heard me correctly: 3-on-3 basketball. It’s a new Olympic sport, not to be confused with some weird sexual act.

Simon says scratch your head if you know that other novel medal events making a debut at this year’s (technically last year’s) Olympic Games include skateboarding, surfing, and—I am not making this up—freestyle BMX.

I’m grateful to see I was not alone in this because none of you are scratching your heads, instead, you’re just staring at me blankly. Yes, I agree, someone on the International Olympic Committee may have been smoking a little too much weed OR they were a 16-year old boy from California.

Speaking of California, Simon Says clap your hands for gender equality because the 2020 Tokyo Olympics also feature new mixed team events in swimming, track and field, archery, and judo.

Run around in circles if you think that putting an equal number of men and women on teams to compete against other teams made up of an equal number of men and women does anything whatsoever to forward gender equality.

Smart group. Thanks for standing your ground on this one.

Simon says yawn if you heard the news that the 2032 Olympic Games will be held in Brisbane, Australia.

I know, I was thinking the same thing: The earth may have exploded by then, and perhaps the Olympic Games should be held on Jeff Bezos’ new planet instead.