During the early decades of the 20th century, women didn’t aspire to become novelists, poets, or painters. They didn’t ask for the right to earn college degrees or to pass anti-domestic abuse laws. They didn’t really even bitch at all. They wanted only a few things: a roof over their head, a stern hand to keep them in line, and a simple life. That is, a life consisting of Mary Kay parties, pie-baking, and fellatio.
Yes, those were the days, or, to be more precise, the days of the finishing school. You see, at these selective academies of domestic knowledge, women were hammered into cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, cock-sucking machines. They were molded and scolded and folded fourteen times, then released as valuable members of society. I’m talking some serious Mona Lisa Smile shit (for the record, I never watched that goddamned movie…and I didn’t cry…at the touching ending…either.)
For men, no such school has ever existed. We have military schools, where we’re taught how to kill. We have Catholic schools, where we learn the benefits of binge drinking. We have all-male schools, where we…sodomize. But no school has ever existed to teach men the ways of society. So, in the waning days of this March I have come to end this problem. I have come to show you all the ways of being effective, helpful members of society. I have come to show you how to be honest, hard-working men. I have come to teach you how to cum. Or at least, how to talk about it.
So now, read on, folkway-breaker, and become the man you’ve always dreamed you could be.
This week, I’ll be discussing the proper settings, times and usages of ejaculatory slang, as well as some examples. Don’t be fooled, men, this is important information to know.
Word Origin: Latin, from “cemani” meaning “juice.”
Acceptable Use: During urologist visits, father-son talks, and priest-alterboy confessions.
Ejaculatory Factoid: “Semen” is an umbrella term used to describe ejaculate in the English language. However, that doesn’t always make it the correct word choice. Try to avoid saying “semen” when discussing women you’ve ejaculated on, or in, else you’ll look like an idiot. Also, in good company, “semen” is a tad too formal.
“There’s blood in my semen!”
Word Origin: African; The Tribe of Snoop, from “skizzle” (untranslatable).
Acceptable Use: When rapping. Use it also to describe those clay discs that you can shoot in Duckhunt. Never use if you’re White.
Ejaculatory Factoid: Most likely, “skeet” developed from the sport of professional shooting. Like most of the terms here, it can be a verb and a noun. It is generally associated with ejaculation to/on/about the face.
“Bitch, imma skeet up yo nose while I be sippin’ on bubbly in the club,
“So last night I was shooting skeet and I missed one, so it hit her headboard.”
Bill Clinton’s Calling Card
Word Origin: Republican, a cognate in English.
Acceptable Use: During the 1990s, when talking to Bill Maher, or when ejaculate is found and used to incriminate.
Ejaculatory Factoid: A dried up, pale stain on our nation’s history…and a fat chick’s blue dress. Measured 4 inches in diameter.
“Tiffany is really pissed off at me.”
“She found my Bill Clinton’s Calling Card on her sister’s blouse.”
Word Origin: German, from “kauknau” meaning “glop of elation.”
Acceptable Use: Christmas time. (Can’t use if you’re Jewish, sorry!)
Ejaculatory Factoid: A twist on eggnog: the thick, yellowish substance that appears once a year in your local dairy aisle. Tastes excellent with white rum and cinnamon… (Eggnog tastes good with white rum and cinnamon, too.)
“Tis the season for some cocknog, fa-la-lalala, la la la la.”
Word Origin: Scandinavian, from the word “seduch” meaning “moisturizer.”
Acceptable Use: In biology class. Also, during March Madness banter, conversations about sunflower products, discussions of Uma Thurman in that Batman movie, or rants about bad weed.
Ejaculatory Factoid: This term for the sticky white substance that ejaculates from a penis is the most formal expression. The term comes from plant world, as seeds are a form of reproduction for much vegetation. Also, sperm look sort of like little seeds with little whips attached to them. Never use it in slang.
“When the female Yorkshire terrier accepts the male’s seed, she scrapes her ass on the pavement until the semen has crawled high enough into her womb that an offspring might develop.”
Word Origin: A hybrid of Gerberese and EGGOan.
Acceptable Use: When cooking cookies for babies, cookies in the shape of babies, or cookies with chunks of baby in them. Also, during Planned Parenthood “Clinic” visits.
Ejaculatory Factoid: As the consistency of sperm is comparable to pancake batter, and its use unfortunately leads to pregnancy, baby-batter has become a popular term for ejaculate that gets your bitch pregnant.
“Girl, you get me so hot, my baby-batter might just bake.”
Word Origin: Dutch, from the word “Ja!” meaning, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Acceptable Use: To any person, anytime, anywhere.
Ejaculatory Factoid: “Jizz” is onomatopoeia for the sound a kazoo makes when placed at the top of an ejaculating dick. A very common, very funny, slang word. I approve of its use in every case, including Points in Case.
“I’m going to pull her hair, smack her ass and then jizz on her back…then I’m going home to drink a beer and watch Sportscenter.”
The Creamy Filling
Word Origin: Twinkien.
Acceptable Use: When commenting on cumshots or harassing your friends.
Ejaculatory Factoid: Basically, this word refers to completely visible ejaculate. Though, it’s generally more compliant with food products that contain resemblances of ejaculate. Warning:Using “The Creamy Filling” around your friends while they eat anything consisting of heavy cream, confectioner’s sugar and vanilla extract should get you punched in the nose.
“Hey Billy, how’s that Snackie Cake taste?”
“Hey Tom! Billy likes The Creamy Filling!…hahahahahahaha.”
Word Origin: Old English, from “nautnekturh” meaning “matrimonial glue.”
Acceptable Use: Shakespearean drama; poetry writing.
Ejaculatory Factoid: Until a few “accidents,” semen once enticed hummingbirds to a penis. Thus this idiom derived from that, I guess.
“Hark, Horatio! Unite thy companions of old, that I might shooteth thy nut-nectar on faces of beauty!”
Word Origin: French, from “spoogè,” meaning, “What we, the French, eat with our wine and cheese! Awh haw haw hawh!”
Acceptable Use: When being courteous or insulting the French.
Ejaculatory Factoid: The French suck lots of dick.
“Pierre had so much spooge in his mouth; he couldn’t even sing Frere Jacque!”
“You’ve got a little spooge on your lip there, sweetie.”
Word Origin: Colgatean.
Acceptable Use: During art class or hygiene discussions with friends.
Ejaculatory Factoid: Usually, this term is used to describe the highly concentrated sperm that results from dehydration. It has a tendency to stick to whatever it touches, even more so than regular semen.
“Dude, I had some serious penis-paste last night.”
“Hmm…maybe you should drink a glass of water and then never speak of this again.”
Word Origin: Italian, from “Roberto Benigni” meaning, “unholy water.”
Acceptable Use: When speaking directly to women about ejaculate.
Ejaculatory Factoid: This term’s development is possibly the most interesting. The noun “cum” evolved from the verb “come” as if, when people have sex, the destination for both participants is one specific location named orgasm. Pretty peculiar if you consider that women are included in this
“How’s my cum taste momma?”
Word Origin: Created originally by the Catholic Church, perpetuated now by incensed Fundamentalist Protestants.
Acceptable Use: During sexual education class or Lent.
Ejaculatory Factoid: “Liquid Sin” is generally used to describe the resulting ejaculate of premarital sex. Being as most of you are all in college there really is no differentiating between the two…just remember that all semen is “Liquid Sin.”
“And Elohim spoketh to Abraham saying, ‘Thou shalt catch thou Liquid Sin in the tissue of atonement!’”
Word Origin: Fleetwood Mac
Acceptable Use: Karaoking up “Dreams, Peacekeeper,” or “Go Your Own Way.”
Ejaculatory Factoid: Y’all might forget it, but Stevie Nicks used to be pretty bangin’.
“Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
They say, women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know…boner brew.”
Man-[Any Liquid Dairy Product]
Word Origin: The Dairy Farmers of America
Acceptable Use: On trips to the supermarket, dates at fancy restaurants, or when shooting shit at the farm.
Ejaculatory Factoid: Yes, from the same makers of the slogan, “Got Milk?” each of these terms have their respective advantages. I have a few problems with “Man-Chowder” though. First, because I once enjoyed eating chowder; and, now I don’t. Second, chowder is improper because there aren’t any chunks of meat in it. At least, from my experiences. Feel me?
“Hello. Tonight, we have a lovely roasted duck in walnut sauce.”
“I think I’ll have the veal, medium rare, in the Man-Cream sauce with a tall glass of chocolate Man-Milk.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve any of those items.”
“Okay the duck then, whatever.”
“Would you like an appetizer?”
“Would you like some Man-Butter on that?”
Word Origin: Gaudion.
Acceptable Use: Website articles.
Ejaculatory Factoid: “Ejaculate” sounds like something a car should be able to do. I’m not really even sure you can even use it as a noun. But hey, this isn’t a fucking research paper, capiche?
“Male Finishing School Part I: Proper Use of Ejaculate”
COMING NEXT WEEK:
“Male Finishing School, Part II: Proper Alcohol Consumption”
(Don’t touch that mouse.)
Got your own semen slang? Come hard with it in the feedback.