The following is my standard prank call that I use every Saturday night, home, alone, lonely.  It works best when you have a good friend of the prank-calling victim with you to acquire personal details…and if you're a woman. Try it yourself, it's a hoot!

You:  Hey youuuu, it's Chloe. (Men tell me Chloe is a attractive girl's name. Steer clear of names like Ruth and Blanch – it will result in an abrupt hang up.) What are you doing? *Giggle*

Victim:  Uhh, who….

It is imperative that you cut them off immediately, stay in control of the conversation.

You:  Guess what? *Giggle adorably* Did you guess? *More giggles*

Victim:  Uh, what?

"You left your yellow Lance Armstrong cancer awareness bracelet in my na-noo."You:  I can't stop thinking about you. *Lovelorn sigh* You know what else?  Guess!

Victim:  Um….

You:  You have, like, a really sexy voice, seriously.  Like, it's so sexy I want to touch my muffin when I hear it. *Precious giggles* Oh my God! I can't believe I just said that!!  But seriously, you're hot.

Intentional pause.  He's intrigued, bonerized, ready to start talking.

Victim:  Where did I meet you?

Keep your story believable at first, and then allow things to get outlandish.

You:  Oh my god, Jimmy! (Use his name repeatedly, it makes him feel special.) You don't remember?  I'm hecka offended…no but seriously, you were wasted. *Giggles* I was too.  We met at [insert name of popular tavern in victim's home town]. You were wearing [insert personal clothing item].  I could not stop staring at you, and you totally caught me, Jimmy!!  *More adorable giggles* I walked up to you and…. *Hysterical giggles* No! I can't say, I'm embarrassed!!

Now his boner is rocketing out of his trousers…

Victim:  What?? What did I do?

You:  I was like, can you check me for breast cancer?  *Giggles* I know, right?  I mean, I've never done anything like that before, but, you had like, an old soul. When I looked into your eyes, I could tell you have like, an amazing heart.  Sorry, to get so…sorry, am I, like freaking you out? *Giggles*

Victim:  Who are you?

Ignore his questions – keep talking.

You:  So, like you grabbed my boob and squeezed it, gently, but still firm, it felt soooo good, like, I think I left a puddle on the floor.  Oh my god!!  I'm sorry, that's gross, huh?  Jimmy, are you remembering any of this? ‘Cause I'd be super bummed if you don't remember me at all.

Victim:  Uhh…yeah?

You:  Then, I'm like, let's go in the bathroom. *Giggles* Oh my God, Jimmy, my muffin is getting tingly when I think about this!!  Okay, so I took you in the handicapped stall, and I felt really bad because this like, quadriplegic woman was waiting to use it, right?  And we started making out, um…. Then you put your hand up my BCBG sun dress…. I don't know how to say this next part, but…you left your yellow Lance Armstrong cancer awareness bracelet in my na-noo. *Giggles* I put it in the dishwasher if want it back.

Victim:  Are you for real? (Very lame response, but victims say it works 80% of the time.)

You:  *Giggles* So, then they called last call, and I was like, seriously bummed. We left the bathroom and you held my hand, it was really sweet.  Then we saw the quadriplegic woman *giggles* and she had peed her pants!  It was like sooooooo funny!  The bartender had to get out a mop!  You probably don't remember any of this, do you?  You were super drunk, but still like, a gentleman, ya know?  I felt really safe in your arms; you were strong like an ape, but gentle like my grandma Rose. *Lovelorn sigh*  You even kind of smelled like her; it made me feel really, super comfortable.  And then I thought about the time I dug her up and took her jewelry and how much fun that was, fun like you Jimmy. 

Victim:  What the…?

You:  Anyway I'd really like it if I could come over, I really wanna see you.  I'm gonna try on like a million different outfits.  Where do you live?

At this point a wise victim will hang up on you, but the foolish/horny victim will give you his address.  If said victim lives in your town, go to his house and pelt him with water balloons/rocks/rubber chickens, or hump him.  Your choice.


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