When you're as worldwidely famous as yours truly, your fans always run up to you on the street and ask you the same old questions. "How did you get so awesome?" "Where did you get the surgery to get so good looking?" "What did you do to become such a great writer?" "Is there a special pill you take to have such great sexual prowess?" The answer to all these is, of course, "I was born with it."

But don't hate me because I was born awesome, beautiful, brilliant, and sexually proficient. I'm here to entertain the little people, like you. And since I'm a man of the people, I'll finally come clean and answer your questions.

So you think you're a comic book expert. Who's your favorite superhero?

KC in Punisher shirtWell, I did intern at Marvel Comics, so I'll always be partial to them. But Deadpool is probably my favorite dude. We're so much alike: we're both highly-skilled assassins with amazing healing powers and gut-busting senses of humor. But I'm more of a villain guy. I also heart Bullseye, Sabretooth, and Venom—even if all their movie versions kind of sucked.

You've lived in a lot of places. Which is your favorite and where do you consider yourself "from"?

It's true, I've lived in Oregon, North Dakota, South Dakota, Colorado, New York, and New Jersey. But my parents are both from California. I just cheat and say I'm from North America. I actually think Splash Mountain at Disney World might be my favorite hometown. But who knows?

Why do you talk the way you do?

Like I just said, you inattentive bastard, I've got a weird background. There's a lot of mixtures of California and North Dakota in my accent, as well as things I've picked up along the way. When I started at NYU I didn't want my fellow students to think I was a dumb backwoods hick so I adjusted my accent accordingly. But they figured out I was a dumbass pretty quickly anyway.

How often do you and the rest of the PIC crew hang out?

It's a little known fact that Court, DeGraaf, Bash, Paul Frank, Gillespie, Marine, a lone revolving chick writer and I all sleep in an eight-person bunkbed in a single room. Kind of like Octomom's place.

How many tattoos do you have?

Whatever number I quote will be wrong by somebody's standards. On top of about thirteen actual ink pieces, I have scars and skin discolorations that looks like tats. Let's just say my artists rarely go hungry.

What kind of music do you like?

I don't know if I'm qualified to answer this. I like all kinds of stuff. My taste in music is like my taste for boobs: sometimes I like something heavy, sometimes bouncy, soothing, firm but never stringy.

What do you look for in a girl?

I don't really look for anything. They generally find me. I've dated all types. Really pretty girls, pretty girls, and kind of pretty girls. Very smart and very very very stupid. White girls, Jewish girls, Mexican girls, Asian girls, and mixtures of all of them. For some reason, black girls seem to see through my horseshit.

Where do you get your column ideas?

I've been hit in the head a lot of times.

What's your favorite Organ from your "My Organs" series?

I hate them all the same.

What's your favorite drug from your "Narcotics Anonymous" series?

It may come to you as a surprise, but I'm not really a drug guy. I drink drinks on occasion—Irish whiskey and Polish vodka if you want to be specific. The only narcotic I've ever been truly addicted to has been Valium, so I guess that's my favorite in some sick way. And I guess that makes me a middle-aged housewife who enjoys vacuuming too much.

Boxers or briefs?

I'm a boxer brief guy. Or commando. You know, ‘cuz that's what Jesus would want.

Your sign off is "You're The Best!" Where did that come from?

Casey next to a stop signIt's a bastardization of the theme song from The Karate Kid. I started saying it and it just kind of stuck.

Why haven't you charmed the written literary world with a novel yet?

I'm working on it, you fucking slavedrivers.

Has anybody ever actually asked you these questions?

Nope. But you can always email me or Facebook me if you have others. Or comment. That makes me feel special.