Weekly Drunk Text: "Im famous! Where do you sign my tits?" -Julie

Not to sound racist…but I read some of JD Boston's old stories, which are all hilarious and genius (although misguided since Boston sucks), and noticed one of his billion commenters said something like, "No matter what, if you start off writing ‘Not to sound racist,' you're a damn racist."

So I set out to prove this dingbat wrong. Granted, the fact that the moron looked like she used her feet to type out her brainless entry pretty much told me off the bat she was an idiot. Or the fact that she didn't understand it was a joke and this is a HUMOR website. If you don't have a sense of humor, I don't know, join a cult and become one with the All-Becoming Center Force, because if you can't laugh at yourself, you're either really unfunny or a complete reject.

So instead of writing a column on racism, I just dug through my notes of ideas that wouldn't make a full column.

Call Me Barry Minefield

Why do banks have two doors, but lock one during business hours? I feel like I deserve a free checkbook holder every time I bang my face on a locked door. I mean, why even have a door? And what's the deal with airplane food?

I Don't Know If I Want To Be Friends With You

(If you're not a dork, skip this one)

Here's the deal, Boba Fett is onscreen for a little over a minute throughout the entire Star Wars Sixology. I used to think he was the coolest. He's got a badass ship, cool gadgets and one of the sweetest uniforms ever. Even Darth Vader knows his methods. His cunning skills he tracked down the Millennium Falcon, while the entire Empire and four other bounty hunters trailed them. BF sells Han to Darth Vader and then double dips and re-sells the carbonited space pirate to Jabba the Hutt. Then a blind Han accidentally hits Fett's jet pack and the Sarlacc monster eats the Mandalorean warrior. Is Boba a complete tool with amazing luck (until the end) or one of the galaxy's most fearful characters with some shitty happenstance bullshit causing his demise? I'm torn. At least Jango nearly killed Obi-Wan.

Farting – No Laughing Matter

A while ago I had a girlfriend who couldn't smell, so as long as I dropped SBD Bombs she couldn't tell. Then I had a significant other that thought farts were as funny as I do. I've even had one too stupid to know what a fart is. Now I'm single and must unlearn what I've learned and not to fumigate the apartment whenever I feel like it.

Open Letter To Glasses Girl

I came up to talk to you while you were with your friends. You shot me down, and were very indifferent. Thanks for not being a bitch. I respect that.

Questions Asked After Julian Whipped Sweetheart and Me With a Radio Antenna

Scene: (Sweetheart and kc hold their injured junk)

Sweetheart: "Ouch! What the fuck! Why'd you hit us in the dick?"

Kc: "And why'd you stop with us?"

Actual Note To Myself

What was that idea for that damn blog? (To correct myself, it's a column, not a blog.)

Sexiest Phrases I've Ever Heard (Yeah, I'm going to steal from you too, DeGraaf.)

"It's okay to be rough with me."

"You have a very aesthetically pleasing penis."

"That's exactly what morning sex is for."

Least Sexiest Phrases Ever

"What do you mean you don't want to do it while Golden Girls is on?"

"This isn't going to be one of those study dates where we open books and then fuck. We're going to study."

"It's not too hairy, is it?"

"I want you. Oh, I want you. I want you…to do your homework."

Lines My Friends Thought Would Help Me, But Didn't

As I'm taking shots with a girl:

Bobby Digital: "Don't worry, he's a professional…alcoholic."

Vicious and Delicious (that's me) meet my new object of affection:

Vicious: "I'm Vicious, this is Delicious. We're the VD Combo."

At the strip club:

Sweetheart to a dancer: "Take him in the back and do whatever he wants." (I wanted to talk about Astro Boy and my lucky coin. Seriously.)

Bones and I sit down next to two ladies:

Bones: "Are you two going to cheat on your boyfriends tonight?"

Most common entry:

One of my friends: "Do you know who this is? It's Casey Freeman." (You might as well reach into your undies and pull out some shit-stained horseshoe crabs).

My Statement About Oral

I've actually finished an entire roll/box/container/whatever-you-call-a-unit of dental floss. My dentist says my gums have improved significantly and if I keep it up I'll have healthy teeth for a long time. This excites me.

The Great Coffee Experiment

I don't drink a lot of coffee, but sometimes I want some but some dicktard in my office will just put the pot in the sink without making a new batch. So I triple the load of grounds in hopes that my shitbox coworkers will go into a crystal meth-induced blood orgy. Just kidding, I really just hope they have heart attacks.

I Hate The ‘80s

I met a really gorgeous chick at a concert of a 1980s cover band and had to ask, "Um, were you even born in the ‘80s?" Phew, she was.

Ok, This One Could Be Deemed Racist

You know how some white guys get mad when they see a white girl with a black guy? I don't. But I do get cranky when I see a hot Asian chick with an Asian dude. It's just not fair.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.