>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
June 23, 2004

Dear Nicole,

I like this boy and he likes me back. We both wanna kiss each other, how do I get him to kiss me?

-Melinda

Dear Melinda,

We owe the Victorians a debt of gratitude for their origination of “fan flirting,” an art which continues to enjoy enormous popularity in bars and clubs throughout the United States and western Europe. In your case, you’ll want to open and shut your fan, which means “Oh, kiss me, please!” Other useful techniques include fanning yourself very quickly, meaning “I am not engaged!”; holding your fan in front of your face with your left hand to signal that you are not interested in your gentleman caller; or slapping your ass with your fan, to indicate you’re a hooker.

Sincerely,
Nicole


Dear Nicole,

What’s the deal with girls, what is the best way to get a girl to like you??

-Chris

Dear Chris,

A girl is like a rocketship: she flies to distant planets to collect rocks and soil samples for later analysis.

Sincerely,
Nicole


Dear Nicole,

Why do girls I like say they will call but never do? Am I stuck in some terrible backwards world where I (the male) sits by the phone waiting for Miss Perfect to call only to have my feelings stomped night after pathetic night? What should I do?

-Patrick

Dear Patrick,

If you’re tired of being rejected by girls, you may want to avoid the human element altogether and adopt a nice paraphilia. There are hundreds to choose from. And if you don’t see any you like, make one up! As Margaret Thatcher once said during one of her frequent visits to the famous S&M dungeons of Windsor Castle, “If you can’t find something to fetishize, you’re not looking hard enough.” Here are a just few paraphilias you may enjoy:

Formicophilia: Arousal from ants
Homilophilia: Arousal from giving or hearing sermons
Siderodromophilia: Arousal from trains (at right)
Ecdemolagnia/Hodophilia: Arousal from traveling or being away from home
Tripsolagnia: Arousal from having hair shampooed

Sincerely,
Nicole

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.