>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
April 28, 2004

  Dear Nicole,

My friends and I like to go out on the weekends to have a few drinks, see a good band, whatever. We all have boyfriends and we're not looking for new ones. So how do we get rid of those annoying, nasty guys who inevitably try to hook up with us??

~Ashley
 

Dear Ashley,

It’s not always clear what to do when some jerk swaggers up to you wreaking of CK One and desperation. Since clubs are often poorly ventilated, leave the Mace in your purse and try some verbal repellant instead. Here are a couple of lines guaranteed to send him running.

“My bra has twelve hooks.”

“…And from that day on, I always carry a hatchet and some sutures just in case. So have you ever acted out any of your fantasies?”

“It’s called syphilis, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Actually, it would be shorter for me to list the animals I HAVEN'T milked: Chinchilla, camel, and salmon.”

Sincerely,
Nicole
 

 
Dear Nicole,

Well… I told my friend what you told me to tell him. He just started to hyperventilate and cry. I felt really bad about that and now he won't even talk to me, I think I have just screwed up our “friendship.” But that’s ok, I make fun of his mom who's passed on, and he slams me about my two dads.

~Ducky
 

Dear Ducky,

I’m praying that you're kidding, and that I’ve finally been out-sarcasmed. If you’re serious, it's going to take my grainiest exfoliating body wash to cleanse me of guilt. Remember the Ask Nicole Rule of Thumb: If you find that this column helps you in daily life, you’re too stupid to read it.

Sincerely,
Nicole

 

 
Dear Nicole,

So, Kobe Bryant: Guilty or innocent??

-Greg
 

Dear Greg,

His fans make a compelling case for his innocence: he can't be guilty because he’s really, really good at playing basketball. The girl accusing him isn’t good at basketball, so she must be a lying slut. Case closed.

Sincerely,
Nicole

 

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