>>> Ask Nicole

By staff writer Nicole McKaig
March 9, 2005

Dear Nicole,

Wanna party?

-Rep13

Dear Rep,

Hmmmm. Let me look up “party” in my Moron-to-English dictionary.

par·ty \'pärt-?\ n, pl parties [party, to] (13c) 1 : a ritual in which guys who can't get a date due to their lack of intellect, social skills and deodorant take advantage of stoned, trashed chicks who would never look twice at them while sober.

This is a sneaky loophole in the chain of natural selection, through which evolutionarily inferior genetic material is perpetuated.

Actually, I think I have to wash my hair that night. Whatever night it is.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

I want to know where I can get Really Pretty Lip Glosses for cheap prices. I'm not poor but I'm not rich, and I want to be able to buy a lot, so just to make sure. I live in Canada and I don't feel like looking for lip glosses anywhere out of Quebec!

-Shelby

Dear Shelby,

Your question is a horrifying (but all too typical) example of the unspeakable living conditions in Canada. Children wander aimlessly through the streets, vainly struggling to locate quality lip glosses for a reasonable price. The only answer is to nuke Canada and put them out of their misery once and for all.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

If you were black, I'd call you a dumb black.

-Cat Walk

Dear CW,

Uh huh. And if I cared what you thought, I'd call you uneducated corn-fed white trash. But I don't.

Sincerely,
Nicole


Dear Nicole,

If the only time that a bird “suddenly appeared,” was on the fifth day of creation, then is Ernie (from Sesame Street) filling our children with blasphemous images when he states that birds “suddenly appear” every time “you” are near?

-Holyboy1

Dear Holyboy,

It always surprises and gladdens me when someone provides me with insight and fresh new provocative and compelling ideas I hadn't contemplated before. Which is why I'm skipping this question.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Why can't people act the way that I want them to act. They are so annoying.

-Melli

Dear Melli,

Have you thought about getting into Voodoo, or perhaps Wicca? I've heard nothing but good things.

Sincerely,
Nicole

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