>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
February 9, 2005

Are you single and dateless this Valentine's Day? Maybe it's all for the best. As you will see in a moment, there are worse things than soul-numbing loneliness. Love can cause terrible hunger, painful screaming, and extensive drywall damage. Legally, this should all be included on the warning label. So, without further ado, here are the top three reader contributions for our Second Annual Valentine's Day Massacre!

-Nicole

This is really embarrassing but I guess nobody will know who wrote it so who cares right? Anyways I was with this guy for a couple weeks and we were dating and we had made out and stuff but no sex. One night we were screwing around and we ended up having sex at his house. I was a virgin before that and I had heard that you were supposed to pee after sex so you don't get germs or diseases or something. But I didn't have to pee so I reached into my coat pocket that was by the bed and I got out one of those little bottles of hand sanitizer, you know like you use when you can't wash your hands, and I rubbed it on myself “down there.” I thought it would work to kill germs but it turns out that all it did was burn like hell.

So I started screaming and crying, and he didn't know what I had done so he was all freaked out when I told him he had to pick me up and take me into the bathroom and put me in the bathtub with some water. It was horrible, but now it seems a little funnier. Not much though.

-LikeAVirgin

For Valentine's Day in 2004, I bought my girlfriend and I some mushrooms so we could have a good time. She was looking fantastic. My roommates were going to a kegger, and the house was to ourselves. My friend wanted to have a fun trip with us, so I said “Sure.” Well, while they were watching their version of Tombstone and having a good time, I had locked myself in my room, and was beating up a pillow that I thought was my “friend” that came over. I also punched a few holes in the wall as well. I haven't taken mushrooms since, fearing that every time I will, everyone will look like Lee, and I will want to punch them in their faces.

I know I should've told him “No, it's a special night for E.H. and myself,” but she was my first girlfriend, and I didn't care until the ‘shrooms had kicked in. I then realized what he was trying to accomplish when I came out of my room, pupils round as black olives, when he was sitting there making out with her. It doesn't pay to trip with your girlfriend and your best friend, because, if you go off to your room, and she doesn't follow, you know what will happen. This year I'm single, and will be sure to check out PIC.com while I'm tripping acid and doing backflips at my house. Thanks for those painful memories Lee.

-Nick

Ok, so first of all, I'm gay. And the story just goes downhill from there…haha, and it's also a little long (but hilarious).

So I met this guy online. We were talking for a couple weeks. I should've known something was wrong when he started IMing me every fucking day, and wanted to meet me before he had even seen a picture of me. I also should've known something was wrong because he hates Seinfeld, Christmas (he didn't buy Christmas presents for anyone), and the mall in his town because it didn't have an Abercrombie and Fitch, or those other trendy ass stores that douches shop at. But, I ignored all my instincts that were telling me how crazy he was. Plus, fall semester was almost over and I was going to be bored back home. So (after asking me every day what I want to do for like a week) we end up meeting at a mall to see a movie and get dinner. Except we never got dinner that night.

When we got to the mall, none of the movies were starting for at least another hour, so he suggested we go to the beach to see a movie. Now the beach is about 45 minutes away, but I reluctantly agreed. This was a horrible decision on my part. So, as we're driving there, he spends almost all of the time talking on his cell phone, and not to me. While talking on the phone, he decides we're going to go see his friend at her job, which takes us into Delaware. Yes, that's right, Delaware. And we started out in Maryland (on the eastern shore, but still).

The entire drive there, he keeps making fun of the houses that we're passing. There was nothing wrong with these houses; they were just single-story one-family homes. And he kept making fun of them. Also he started telling racist jokes (the kind that you make with good friends who know you're only kidding, but if a stranger tells them, you can't be sure if they're kidding or not). Apparently, he was making fun of a Hispanic co-worker with some other co-workers. His joke was not a joke, just a horrible statement; “You know, all Hispanic people are born in a ditch down by the border.” Once we get to where his friend works, they continue to talk for at least 20 minutes, without even attempting to include me in the conversation, and the guy i was with didn't even introduce me to his friend.

So after this is over, he decides we're going to go to another movie theater, located in Rehobeth Beach (that, as I found out half an hour later, he has never been to before). So, as we're driving, we pass a car dealership. Sitting in the lot is a 1969 Chevy Camaro with a brand new paint job. He drives past the lot, realizes he likes the car we passed, stops, reverses the car, and then pulls into the driveway. Now, this was on a 4 lane highway (2 lanes going north, 2 going south). He stopped, and reversed along the road. Had we not been in another state from where I live, I would have run away. Then he gets out and looks at the car. About 5-10 minutes later, he comes back in bitching about how expensive it is. That's right; he was complaining about a classic 1969 Chevy Camaro with a brand new paint job being too expensive.

About 20 minutes after this, we finally make it to the movie theater. But, right next to the movie theater, is another car dealership. So, before we can go into the movie, we have to drive around the car dealership lot. Again he leaves me in the car for like 10 minutes while he's out looking at other cars. Keep in mind, it's now almost 11pm, and the dealership has been closed for several hours. We then buy our tickets for the movie. Upon entering, he starts bitching about how ghetto the theater is (because really big theaters with stadium seating are apparently ghetto?). He tried to get me to make out with him during the movie too. He put the arm rest between the two seats up when I wasn't paying attention, kept staring at me, and at one point actually took my glasses off my face. So the movie (which was Ocean's 12…it was ok) ended and we left about 12:30. He got lost on the way home, and almost ran out of gas (because he refused to pay the prices in Rehobeth Beach). I didn't get home 'til about 2:30am (the date started @7pm).

Now, I didn't eat before I left because I assumed we were eating (since that was the plan) somewhere. But no, there was to be no food on this date. I ate the KFC drive-thru at 2 in the morning, which was possibly the best thing that happened to me all day.

So, to conclude, I went on a date that started on Maryland's eastern shore, and ended up going to Delaware, with a racist, pretentious, snobby, ignorant, arrogant asshole. Oh, did I mention he was an evangelical? Yes, that's right. An evangelical homosexual. What the fuck? Oh, he also didn't offer to pay for my movie ticket (which he should've cuz he was the one that asked me out). He also called me the next day. I promptly blocked him on instant messenger, deleted his # from my cell phone, and never returned his call. Worst ever.

-Goliath482


More Like This

Resources