>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
February 16, 2005

Dear Nicole,

So this girl and I went out, and then we broke up, and then she couldn’t be away from me, so a day later we got back together. But then she dumped me again a week later. Is this a good thing that I keep gettin dumped by the same girl over and over again?


Dear Art,

Who are you? Why are you asking me this?? And where the hell did you get my email address??!?

…oh, right. Nevermind.


Dear friend,

Greetings to you in the name of our heavenly God. This mail might come to you as a surprise and the temptation to ignore it as unserious could come into your mind; but please, consider it a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humility. My name is Jeff Rice.

I'm a 59 years old man. I am British living in Dubai (United Arab Emirate). I was a merchant and owned two businesses in Dubai. I was also married with two children. My wife and two children died in a car accident six years ago. Before this happened my business and concern for making money was all I lived for. I never really cared about other values in life. But since the loss of my family, I have found a new desire to assist helpless families. I have been helping orphans in orphanage/ motherless homes. I have donated some money to orphans in Sudan, South Africa, Cameroon, Brazil, Spain, Austria, Germany and some Asian countries.

Before I became ill, I kept $8.5 Million in a long-term deposit account in a finance/security company. Presently, I'm in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for oesophageal cancer. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live. It is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity organizations. Because relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth since my illness, I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them.

Please, I beg you in the name of God to help me collect the deposit and the interest accrued from the company and distributes it amongst charity organizations. Use your judgement to distribute the money and feel free to reimburse yourself when you have the money for any cost you incur during the process of collecting and distributing the money to charity organizations. I'm willing to offer you a reward If you are willing to help; please reply as soon as you can. May the good Lord bless you and your family.

J Rice


Dear Mr. Rice,

Although I find it somewhat curious that a bedridden British multimillionaire with a writing style reminiscent of a poorly-translated Koran wants to entrust a twenty-something humor writer to distribute $8.5 million to random charity organizations, I really have no reason to doubt the veracity of your poorly-worded, needlessly complex plan. However, I am currently helping several other wealthy, terminally ill dignitaries liquidate their considerable assets for the good of orphans. So as you can see, my plate is really quite full at the moment. Feel free to re-send your request next month, if you're still alive.


Dear Nicole,

Me and my friends want to make more friends. Where can we find people that we can party with?


Dear Goddess,

I think I saw some people outside. Try there.