>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
November 21, 2003

Dear Nicole,

I recently fell for a girl I met over the summer. I thought things were going well, but her attitude made a drastic change when someone told her of the frequency of my casual sex hook-ups (less than once a week, probably only three times a month). In all honesty, without these casual outlets for sexual tension I would most likely just be trying to get in her pants rather than pursuing the patient, gentlemanly course I have been taking with her. Is there anything I can do to let her know that she means more to me than sex?

-Sad in East Lansing

Dear Sad,

The development of postmodern western civilization has been a real kick in the teeth for guys like you. Everything is more complicated now that women can participate in representative democracy, receive formal education, and express critical independent thought.

Unfortunately for you, girls now know that the Blueballs Argument is total bullshit, and that having testicles doesn’t give guys a license to commit random acts of assholery. One way I’d suggest showing her she means more to you than sex is to stop nailing other chicks. And clear your search history.


Dear Nicole,

What is the best position for having sex? Help!


Dear Curious,

I’m sorry, there are no entry-level positions available at this time. Your question will be kept on file for three months.