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By staff writer Nicole McKaig

November 10, 2004

Dear Nicole,

My boyfriend went to Paris for 2 months and didn't call at all. All I got from that bastard was a letter of how he's trying to get some “action.” Now when he
came home he keeps suggesting a threesome with random girls…your thoughts?


Dear Stevee,

Your boyfriend is a prime candidate for what I like to call “compassionate homicide.” It's just best for everyone involved that he be humanely euthanized.
Preferably with something serrated.



Dear Nicole,

How do you tell a scary, obsessive ex-boyfriend, now in his
second year in the Marines, that you want nothing to do with him and you don't want him to drive up and visit you? I mean especially if you dated him early in high
school for like 3 months and have been broken up for 4 or 5 years. Perhaps more importantly, how do you do this without provoking him to come up and pay an even
scarier visit which would require the protection of your current boyfriend whom he might decide is a good target for retaliation (both of near equal


Dear Julie,

You have two choices: 1) Tell him straight out that you don't want to see him again, or 2) make up an excuse why you can't see him right now, and hope he's
mortally wounded by some “friendly” fire before his next furlough.

Don't let your bf get involved, he has nothing to do with it. Fighting your ex might make him feel macho and manly, but remind him that no one is questioning his
manhood, and proving it isn't worth an assault charge. If you tell your ex not to come and he does anyway, call the cops, not your pansy-ass, slipper-wearing,
tapas-nibbling, antique-hoarding boyfriend.



Dear Nicole,

If I flip this coin, what are my chances of getting head?


Dear Blah,

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you probably don't get much head OR tail.



Dear Nicole,

I'm a freshman in college, and I'm doing bad in most of my classes. The
reason for this is my complete and utter lack of motivation. What should I do?


Dear Taylor,

Very few people are motivated to do schoolwork. In my experience, the closer you are to a due date, the easier it is to invent procrastinatory devices. During one
particularly ass-kicking finals week, I remember stumbling sleepily into the bathroom I shared with my five housemates, only to find that the towel rack had
mysteriously transformed into Fern and Vern, Siamese twins attached at the nose. So if you're feeling really low, remember: At least you haven't defaced your
bathroom by callously exploiting the plight of conjoined siblings.