The dark, satirical thoughts of a lady's man with a creative mind for getting into and out of your pants without your knowledge.

Column Archives | 2008, 2007, 2006

2008 – Present

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April 2008

Crazy Girlfriend | 4-14-08
Crazy Girlfriend admits to hatred, resigns herself to God, and cheats behind your back. But she also fills that daring desire, briefly.

Kings and Pawns | 4-10-08
It's tough to keep striking out when you're already batting in a slump. Same goes for picking up women.

Effigy | 4-3-08
A young man faces a tough decision when he meets his girlfriend's dad: praise his shitty poetry or tell the truth and risk a breakup.

March 2008

Silk, Part II | 3-27-08
Things get heated when an unexpected third wheel shows up during the highly anticipated date with Rita.

Silk | 3-20-08
A gas station employee takes his frustration to the local bar, where words turn to fists. But a cute brunette could be his saving grace.

Celebrity | 3-13-08
A homeless man won't give up, and neither will Buckwheat… until the two cross paths over a sexy young woman. (A 5-part story)

Give This Story a Title | 3-6-08
Except for a title, this story has it all: bungee jumping, fear of the unknown, questions of morality, and fireworks. Give this thing a name!

February 2008

A Suicide Story, Part II | 2-27-08
A cemetery breathes new life into a cast of misfits struggling to find their way in a forest and the world.

A Suicide Story | 2-20-08
It's hard to shake your recent troubled past, especially when the immediate future looks just as broken down. Time to tow your own.

Little Bear | 2-13-08
If you've ever had a nickname you couldn't stand, you know how hard it is to grin and bear it. Unfortunately, anything else makes it worse.

On Burning in Hell | 2-6-08
We'll never know why some girls go for the godly men. But it takes a special type of restraint to keep from pummeling the pastor.

January 2008

A Divine Encounter of the Green Kind | 1-30-08
For most people, smoking up isn't a way to get closer to god, but for an unlucky few, it can seem just about that intense for a spell.

Cliché | 1-27-08
Inspiration doesn't come from the same old reefer and cigs going in, it comes from all the shit that only happens to other people outside.

December 2007

A Christmas Present | 12-2-07
The gift of life is supposedly one of the best gifts a woman can ask for. But sometimes it takes a bigger man than her husband to get the job done.

November 2007

Amateur Porn with Dave and Jake | 11-29-07
The story of two friends from college, now living off the income from their amateur porn site, featuring ethnic girls doin' it for ethnic food.

Hey, You're an Internet Asshole! | 11-18-07
Statistics show that 37% of Internet users have utilized indiscriminate harassment on Facebook, AIM, and comments to increase self-esteem.

The Summer Slaughter | 11-7-07
The smell of cow death is a cold, raw stench that takes getting used to. Nothing a warm slab of roast beef can't fix though.

October 2007

WVU's Homecoming…on Your Face | 10-10-07
Once a year, the campus is plastered with the bright, shiny faces of Greek douches and ditzes, all vying for your King and Queen votes.

A Cannibal's Guide to Eating Pussy | 10-4-07
Grab your knife and your napkin, and put on your chef's hat, because you're about to enjoy the best flavors pussy has to offer.

September 2007

Jesus and the Three Miracles | 9-26-07
When Jesus Christ joins you in the Flesh on the Fourth of July for a bologna sandwich, you know something special is in the air.

The Worst Sexual Encounter of My Fucking Life | 9-19-07
A whiny hoe with a bloody vag leaves her mark on
Hatfield, prompting him to disavow one night stands and *gasp* embrace monogamy.

How to Make Your Pussy Taste and Smell Better | 9-5-07
Your horsemeat curtains are steaming in the summer heat, right ladies? Get ready to freshen up the heavy duty way (supplies not included).

August 2007

The Terrain's Tide | 8-12-07
A writer in the Appalachian mountains pours over his last words, pondering his past and the despair over his wife.

The Comedy of King Xavier | 8-8-07
What is this of an anal chirping, my brown-fingered King Xavier? Do tell at once, for the Archduke of Sodomy must perform his rectal duty!

The True Female Orgasm: A Story | 8-6-07
Eating out doesn't have to be expensive, but if you wanna get the job done right, you might have to spring for a bullhorn and a diamond ring.

July 2007

A Guide to Getting Girls to Kiss… EACH OTHER! | 7-29-07
Seven steps to turn a regular party into a straight female slobberfest, including the sure-fire technique for inducing repeat girl-on-girl kissing.

Erections vs. Periods | 7-25-07
You pick the less desirable scenario: completely unexpected, highly-visible hard-ons; or totally controllable, scheduled leakage?

Why All Ex-Girlfriends are Whores | 7-22-07
They'll torture you in every way, most notably, sleeping around with the ugliest men possible. Why? Because they're attention-whores.

My Miserable Life | 7-11-07
When you don't have penis strength because you're starving, and you can't eat because you're broke, money is no object, it's your sex life.

May 2007

Hatfield's Sketch-Comedy Rock Show
| 5-16-07
A running log vs. the iTunes Random Play Machine: a disoriented, yet awesome state of jubilation and clever mockery!

Courtowulf, Part I | 5-3-07
This is how it came to be, the story behind PIC: With bodies entangled, they had sexy fun, Now do you get my “came to be” pun?

April 2007

The History of Sex | 4-25-07
From the Ancient Greeks to your parents, sex has been around since well before you were born. Go ahead and let history repeat itself.

Code Name: Turkey Baster Chipmunk | 4-8-07
There are some things you can't say on the air. Words like turk- BEEP. Scratch. Please hold while the
Hatfield in the Machine is removed.

How I Met My Wife | 4-1-07
When you've got an itch that even the dog can't seem to scratch the right way, turn to NG
Hatfield. He'll set your ass straight.

March 2007

Reverse Holocaust | 3-21-07
A cautionary tale about small town life, the importance of relationships, and being a Jew. Careful pulling your huge nose out of this book.

Rain to Snow | 3-14-07
Every cabbie knows the meaning of a “good time.” But some know that the only thing that leads to is stormy weather and a bumpy road.

Eighteen Happy Stories in Short | 3-7-07
So many beautiful moments stored in your head, sometimes you just gotta let it all out at once. You should probably warn her first though.

February 2007

How to Tell If Your Girlfriend is Lying | 2-21-07
If you're trying to find out if your girlfriend is a lemon, give her a litmus test. If you wanna know if she's a lying slut, the answer is yes.

I'm Your Commercial Star, Vol. 1 | 2-14-07
Local companies don't have the budget for good advertising. But with a little racism, they'll have everyone remembering their names.

Being Classy and Shit | 2-7-07
Time to separate myth from fact, the men from the girls, the talk from the walk. It's time to separate NG
Hatfield from what you thought.

January 2007

A Thundering Herd of AIDS | 1-31-07
Sure Marshall, you have a major motion picture about your school starring Matthew McConaughey, but I still think you have AIDS.

It's Winter Now: A Letter to the Dean | 1-25-07
Dear Administration, I must say I wholeheartedly agree with your choice not to remove the icicle from your stodgy ass.

Rock ‘n' Roll Won't Never Die | 1-14-07
Rock isn't dead, it's merely awaiting rebirth like the phoenix. Then it will scorch a blazing path of destruction across the poser music scene.

December 2006

The Bible of Porn | 12-27-06
Listen up porn sites. We're tired of getting fucked over with your ads, gay shit, and freaky Germans. Cut it out or we'll…

I Hope They Serve Talent in Hell | 12-10-06
PIC's rabid dog of justice puts the finishing touches on Tucker Max's “Brief Introduction to Writing.” There's no way this will end well.

An Idiot's Guide to Beating Your Wife | 12-3-06
If you thought beating your wife was for cowards with anger issues, then you're probably a woman who needs a man to keep her in line.

November 2006

Can a Brotha Get a Suicide? | 11-1-06
Once you've committed to The Suicide, there's no going back. Ride those fizzy bubbles into the ethereal plane.

October 2006

To the Students of WVU | 10-25-06
If you're planning on going to WVU, now's your chance to reconsider. This Mountaineer has seen the top, and it's all downhill from there.

The Soles of Man | 10-15-06
A father's last stubborn wish to die with his shoes on falls on the shoulders of his son. When it comes to Heaven, we've all got soul.

Suck My Cock, Bitch: The Airtight Argument | 10-8-06
No matter the scenario, even if she's got a good head on her shoulders, if you whip out this argument, she'll soon be speechless.

PBS: Pretend it's Butt Sex | 10-1-06
Sometimes you have to really get inside a person to understand them. In the case of the PBS viewer, homo is the new black.

September 2006

Never Ask a Woman… | 9-24-06
If you want to know what's on a girl's mind, you're already too much of a sissy. Questions are for people who don't already know everything.

August 2006

The Lady's Aftershave | 8-20-06
Time to toss out your pink Gillette: The Lady's Shave cut too close to home and must be thrown out. NG's always leave a scar. *Sniff*

The Coat Hanger Blues | 8-7-06
PIC's most well-endowed columnist bares all in a heart-warming tale of a pregnancy scare and how it brings people together… to fuck again.

July 2006

An Idiot's Guide to Her Sexual History | 7-9-06
Here's how to figure out your girlfriend's true number. Because Sexual History is one class your college doesn't offer… at least not yet.

Just US Girls!: The New Army Recruiting Video | 7-2-06
Girl, don't you worry about a thing, the NEW army is going to take care of you. You'll be sure to get noticed in our new line of pink camo.

June 2006

Andy Warhol Goes Up in Flames, Part 2 | 6-25-06
The exciting conclusion to the story of an artist's hangout and the lack of Andy Warhol. Or “One Way to Cook Your Post-Modern Soup!”

Andy Warhol Goes Up in Flames, Part 1 | 6-19-06
The Lady's Shave cuts it close to the heart, spilling fresh droplets of red on Part I of this poignant short story. Let it be what it is, snob.

Let's Improve Our Sex Life, Bitches | 6-4-06
The God of Sex has some tips for the bedroom, the kitchen, and the back alley: Don't be fat or ugly, leave your panties, and stop calling.

May 2006

Lose Your Virginity…Today! | 5-28-06
Virginity is a plaque sweeping America's youth, but a 24-hour cure exists for the desperately ill. Take it from the master himself, ladies.

How to Get Your Redwings, In Good Taste | 5-14-06
You don't get squeamish at the sight of blood, right? Good, then you can head south, lap up her period, and earn your sexual manhood.

April 2006

Don't Date Him Guuuurl! (Dot Com) | 4-30-06
A website containing a database of cheaters, liars, and bad boys? How cute, the Feminazis are learning how to operate a computer!

The Mind of a Dating Guy | 4-24-06
If you knew that your boyfriend dreams of getting head, you'd probably stop dating him. That's why he's already considering future prospects.

An Idiot's Guide to Preventing Intervention | 4-16-06
Goddamn friends always intervene when you try to ruin your life. Either move to the suburbs or carry a 12-gauge and a switchblade.

Steve Hill is an Asswipe | 4-5-06
What do you get for plagiarizing over 30 articles from 10 writers on PIC? A pleasant thrashing and “The Internet’s Biggest Asswipe Award.”

March 2006

The Proper Use of Ejaculatory Slang | 3-29-06
Welcome to Male Finishing School: Part I, soak up your semen slang. But watch out, this thick load of vocabulary can be quite a mouthful.

To the Motherfucker Who Stole My iPod | 3-22-06
Dear thief, can't we just work this out in a civil manner? Just kidding, I'll have your head on a platter, medium rare, still gasping for air.

Cafeteria Woman Lands 8-Page Spread in Hustler | 3-15-06
Did you hear about the one where the 102-year-old virgin posed nude in Hustler? Yeah, well it's news to me, too.

Done in 60 Seconds | 3-8-06
Come again? The God of Sex is a one-minute man? Don't get ahead of yourself, there's a perfectly good pre-ejaculation explanation.

Please, Fuck My Friend |
Shaun Rockwell is a god among mortals. Why haven't you heard of him? He only speaks to those who listen…to his giant penis.

February 2006

An Idiot's Guide to Woman Management | 2-22-06
Having trouble keeping your woman in line? Perhaps you're giving her too much respect. After all, money and a big dick go a long

More Hooker for Your Money | 2-15-06
If you're going to pay for sex, it better not be missionary and a cigarette. Here's how to milk your prostitute for all she's worth.