>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
April 5, 2006
Last night, I was lucky enough to not only win ten dollars in a scratch off ticket, but also be informed of some really shitty happenings in regard to my column. No, not in my writing—more along the lines of plagiarism. Specifically, a reader named only “Alaina” notified me that somebody had copied my article and posted it as his own on a website.
So, as I am one who does not to jump to conclusions, as well as one who was really high and drunk, I calmly went to this website, and then promptly flipped the fuck out.
As you can see, this is my fucking article. Some faggot named Steve Hill jacked my piece. First, the thieving fuck changed “slang” to “terms” in the title (as to avoid direct searching relation, I assume). Then, he deleted my name and put his own. And finally, like the stealing faggot he is, he changed my pun of “Points in Case” to “website articles.”
“Writers respect copyright laws. Ass-gobbling thieving fucks don’t. Which category do you fall under again, Steve?”
This gets even better. Turns out, our beautiful little informant Alaina was right about more than just my article; this plagiarist had also stolen from other PIC writers and posted it as his own work all over the internet. Justin, Nate, Dave, Mikey, Dan…nearly everybody was plagiarized under his name, and he’s been doing it for months. One of these sites included his personal website which he titled “Killingmesoftly.com.” Though it is not a direct “.com,” I’ve thought about notifying his server and perhaps having them change it to a more appropriate title. Something like, “StealingPICblatantly.com” or perhaps, “I’m a steaming puddle of bum piss.com.” Turns out his MySpace account also had plenty of our beloved PIC favorites. Another informant who let us in on the MySpace link told us that Hill had (and I quote!), “A cult following.” To which I said, “This cult following might want to know that their leader is a complete fuckhead.”
You see, in the 3rd month of my writingship here at PIC, I’m beginning to love all of my fellow writers on PIC (Ali especially). So, I felt obligated to set his shit straight.
I waited until the morning and saw that Dave had already beaten me to breaking the news to the rest of the gang. Though, he had not, in fact, said anything to the cocksucker. So, first, I wrote a poem (something you CAN copy, Steve):
The Dick Licker Plagiarist’s Poem
In Illinois, there’s an exhibit called
“The World’s Biggest Living, Breathing Pile of Rotting Cow Excrement.”
This exhibit is actually Steve Hill.
Then I decided to send our piggly little thief an email after venting a little and checking out his MySpace account (recently deleted due to this incident). The email went:
You fat cocksucker. I'm going to roll you up, smoke you, and shit you out.
-NG Hatfield, ORGINAL author of ” The Proper Use of Ejaculatory Slang”
To which he replied some sappy bullshit story about how he wants to be liked and shit.
Now, as much as I’d have liked to perpetuate this circle-jerk in Gmail (by the way I have 100 invites left, lemme know if you want one!), I decided that it would be best just to write my response back here, breaking down his excuses and whatnot.
But first, let me give you an idea as to what this kid’s about.
While I’m not allowed to show you a picture of Steve, I’ll break it to you what he looks like. The best way to describe him is…a child pornography director that looks awfully similar to the fat kid in The Sandlot.
As for his character, Steve Hill is a loser, a wannabe, and a spineless coward. He is not only repulsive, but cock-sucking, incapable, and obnoxious. He could possibly be the fattest thief the world has ever seen. He has no true friends, as those who are interested in him are so only from his writings—or better yet, our writings.
For fun, Steve sucks dick from Sunday to Thursday, alternating between black and Asian penis. On the weekend nights, he scrubs out his mouth with a pubic hair toothbrush and masturbates to Photoshopped pictures of “Skinny Steve” holding his father like a baby. The men who fuck Steve like him plump, so when they’re asleep, he is made to eat cold Crisco and raw bacon. He owns a Celine Dion CD, a wide selection of twenty-inch dildos and a baton from color-guard in high school. He was voted “Most Likely to Become Famous for 10 Seconds on PointsinCase.com for Acting Like a Huge Fucking Dillhole.”
Steve is the son of Ted and Dorothy Hill. Ted, while unemployed, is known throughout the neighborhood as a hard-working man. He previously taught at Rock Valley Elementary School but was suspended indefinitely for stealing pogs, army men, and Candyland pieces from the children. Dorothy is a stay-at-home mom during the day and a streetwalker at night. Though she’s got a fine ass, she has only one eye, the result of a young Steve cutting it out while she slept. When asked by the police why he would near-fatally wound his mother and impair her depth perception for the rest of her life, Steve replied, “I wanted to look cool in front of some people on the internet.” No charges were pressed, as the documentation of the account was lost. Or stolen.
So, that said, let’s look at this bitch’s excuses:
Steve: Nick, I'm taking this as an opportunity to formally appologize.
I didn’t want you to take my insult as an opportunity to apologize, you stupid fat fuck. I want you to cower in fear. I want you to suck my hairy nuts. I want you to no longer breathe. I want your life to be stamped out with a series of falling anvils. I want everything you hold dear to rot or turn against you. I want to smash your face in with the back end of an axe and put each limb through a meat grinder. Then I want to feed you to my dog while saying to him, “This mother fucker thought he was me. Isn’t that quaint Snipes?”
You see, I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate you like God hates Baptists. I hate you more than any of my ex-girlfriends combined. You are my enemy, you cock-sucking charlatan.
Steve: I will write a more detailed appology and send it to Court on PIC for the entire site to see as soon as I get the time.
As soon asyouget the time?! As soon as you get the time you’ll fully apologize to us? Oh, pardon me for wasting your time, Mr. Wannabe Son of a Bitch. I didn’t know that crying about how much you want to be adored on the internet could possibly take up more than, say, 2 hours of your day. I’m really sorry. I should have realized that you have net-relationships to tend to. But really, what the fuck do you have to do? Is your day that fucking loaded with copying and pasting that you can’t pencil in a few hours to lick our collective balls? Fuck you. You’ve got the time you sniveling little pussy. Put down the fucking Twinkie and taste of my sno-balls, bitch.
Steve: It wasn't intended to be like this. It was sort of something that just happened.
And you didn’t intend for it to be like this? What the fuck? I didn’t realize you were an abused newlywed wife. You knew what you were doing or you’re a fucking retard. Nothing just “sort of happens,” don’t you know Newton’s Third Law of Motion? Jesus Christ. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, cocksucker.
Steve: I'm a writer, and if you had looked further into my MySpace profile, you would have seen a LOT of work that was actually written by me.
Well, at least we know you’re not a writer. For one, writers know the difference between hilarious and “halarious.” Writers know that “apology” has one “p.” Oh, and writers respect copyright laws. Ass-gobbling thieving fucks don’t. Which category do you fall under again?
Steve: When Steeldivisionclan.com first came to me and asked me if they could use some of my articles, I was happy to lend a hand.
Fuck that. I know the Code of Hammurabi and I’m cutting them off. I guess you’ll be able to literally lend them your hand once it’s not attached to your wrist, huh? Guess you’ll be masturbating with your elbows from here on out, huh? Guess you won’t be able to steal any more things from PIC, huh?
Steve: I saw the amount of people who enjoyed reading it, and I just couldn't bring myself to tell them it wasn't mine.
Well, could you bring yourself to lick MY NUTS? I mean, you owe it to me. Let’s do some math, shall we?
Time it took me to write the articles you ripped: 20 hours, 15 seconds.
Subtract the time it took you to write your apology: 5 seconds.
Subtract the time it took you to copy/paste my articles: 10 seconds.
Total it up. Go ahead.
TWENTY HOURS. You owe me TWENTY FUCKING hours. You know what that means? I want 80, fifteen-minute blow jobs. One every four days for the rest of this year.
Or, I want six minutes with every girl that has rejected you in the past. That is, five minutes to get them in bed, and 60 seconds to fuck the hell out of them. I’m assuming here that you’ve been rejected at least 200 times, with that fucking Welcome Back Kotter haircut.
Steve: Once again, I appologize.
FUCK YOU. The moral of the story here, you dumbass cowfucker, is that an apology just isn’t enough. I mean, when I was 8, I hit my sister in the face with a 5 iron and eventually apologized, but my dad didn’t say, “Oh, well I can tell you mean it, son. Let’s go get ice cream.” Hell no. He whipped my ass for an hour with a leather belt. When I got that girl pregnant and didn’t pay child support? “Sorry” didn’t work with Judge Braswell. And when I go to heaven and say “Sorry!” and shrug to God, you think I’ll be going to dance in the golden streams of heaven? Fuck no. You don’t deserve my pity at all.
So to close this out….I award you, Steve Hill, with the Internet’s Biggest Asswipe Award for Uncanny Stupidity in Plagiarizing from the PointsinCase.com Writers Guild. You were also unanimously inducted in to the PIC Hall of Shame, joining pro douchebag Ben Feder at the top. You currently hold the records for “Most Articles Plagiarized” (over 30) and “Most Writers Plagiarized From” (nearly all of the current writers on PIC). Quite an accomplishment for a complete waste of life.
So readers, what do we want from you?
Well, I’m calling a jihad on Steve Hill. If you see him in the streets, throw anything you can find at him. Rocks, bottles, cars. If he wants to buy groceries out of your store, swipe him with a shovel, pickax, or chainsaw. If he talks to your daughter or sister or mother, rip out his intestines through his asshole with a vacuum cleaner.
Don’t let plagiarists get the best of PIC. You can help.
And please, use the comment box to show us how bad you tore into him. We’d love to see the fucker squirm.
NG Hatfield and the PIC Writing Superteam
Editor’s note: Thanks to the folks at SteelDivisionClan.com, who were unaware of the plagiarism and very helpful in resolving the situation.