Me: This Steve Hill guy plagiarized Points in Case.
Amy: Who’d he steal from?
Me: Gaudio, Nelson, Rebello, Chamley, Opp, Curtiss, me… hell it’s easier to say who he didn’t steal from.
Amy: Who didn’t he steal from?
Me: Beech, Tuckerson and the girls.
Amy: Who’s Beech?
Me: I like how this plagiarism thing has brought all of the PIC writers together. It’s like, “Gaudio, you got the face. Nelson, grab the rope and tie him up. Chamley, hand me the blowtorch.” It’s nice to have a common enemy. It brings people together.
Court: It brings people together?
Me: Yeah nothing brings people together like conflict of interest—I mean, interest in conflict.
Court: Nice save.
Danielle: Why did he only steal from one website? I mean, if I was plagiarizing a whole bunch of articles, I would want to mix it up a little so everything wasn’t obviously from one source.
Me: After careful review of the situation, we have determined that he is very stupid. It’s not his fault, though. He never asked to be born.
Danielle: That’s very understanding of you.
Me: Of course, he never asked to be ripped on by a PIC writer, either. Some things you just can’t control.
Amy: Why is everyone so mad about this plagiarist guy? How many articles did he steal?
Me: Around twenty. His whole fan base is basically fans of our writing.
Amy: Wow. So, he’s essentially living a lie in cyberspace.
Me: That would make a great title for a confession page or something. “Living a Lie in Cyberspace.” It’s got a ring to it.
Amy: Yeah, so’s your bathtub.
Me: Ooh, that one hurt a little.
Me: I can believe that he would steal our stuff. But the part I can’t believe is how he commented on it like he owned it. I mean, he eliminated any chance of plausible deniability.
Ed: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I was talking about this guy who plagiarized the website I write for.
Ed: Oh. My bad. When I heard you talking about it, it sounded more interesting than that.
Me: Who the hell are you?
Ed: My name’s Ed.
Me: Aww, Steve emailed me an apology. Apparently, he took credit for our work because he got caught up in all his positive feedback.
Amy: What a dork.
Amy: So, is someone gonna write something about how he stole from you guys?
Me: I think Gaudio’s on it.
Amy: Uh oh. Poor Steve.
Me: He’s the one who stole. He pays the price.
Amy: Couldn’t you do it? You’re more accepting and compassionate.
Me: I’ve met snakes with more compassion than Gaudio. And I already wrote my column. Let the Steve Hill bastard get what he deserves. You gotta have rules.
Amy: Hardass.
Me: Some guy plagiarized my writing.
Emmy: Is he cute?
Me: No.
Emmy: Then I say you kill him.
Me: And if he was cute?
Emmy: Well, then you gotta give him a second chance.
Me: Naturally.