>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
August 3, 2005<
It has been brought to my attention that some of you women out there in internet-land think I’m a sexist pig, and that a few of my columns could be interpreted as degrading to women. I certainly don’t want that. So, if I’m treating women like meat (and I don’t think I am), I figure I should let turnabout be fair play—it’s par for the sexual intercourse (ouch, that one hurt a little, huh?)—and allow the women in my life to rate me like a pig at a state fair. So, an on-and-off friend with benefits, one girl I’m currently dating, and one ex-girlfriend have been chosen to describe my personality, attractiveness, and sexual ability and come up with an overall rating of me. I hope this makes up for any pain I have caused my female readers.
Sharon, the friend with benefits: Nate’s personality is abrasive and annoying. When I first started dating him three years ago, the only thing I liked about his personality was his attitude. He was cocky without being a total dick. The more I got to know him, the more I learned that he was just toning it down in public. He really is a total dick. I give his personality a 3 [out of 10].
Jamie, the girl I’m dating: I want it on the record that this whole column was my idea. So if any of you girls like this piece, you have me to thank. Nate’s personality is awesome. He always says please and thank you, hardly ever puts down people who don’t ask for it, and is very respectful. He always makes me breakfast in the morning, doesn’t let me pay on dates, and makes me laugh until my sides split. He talks too much sometimes, and some of his stories are kind of long. But in the end, I’m usually glad I listened. I give his personality a 9.
Sheila, the ex: This is stupid. Rate you? I hate you. No, wait. I’ll do it, but don’t change a word, bastard. Nate’s personality is coy. I first though it was cute and funny, but he just uses humor as a way to avoid being real. He’s a shallow, insensitive jerk. I give his personality a 2.
Sharon: Nate is hot, but not as hot as he used to be. When I first started dating him, he was a total gym rat. He had well-defined muscles, a decent build and a butt that wouldn’t quit. Now, he’s getting a little soft and he’s not near tan enough for a Florida boy. He still has a cute face, and thank God he grew his hair back out. But he’s just not as hot as he used to be. He gets a 6 right now, but he was an 8 three years ago.
Jamie: Nate is not all that hot. He’s more cute than anything else. He has a great butt and a great face but his legs are too skinny and he doesn’t work out (though I’m working on him). He has a great build and I love his smile, but that’s about it. I give him a 6.
Sheila: He’s cute. I don’t date ugly guys. I give him a 7.
Sharon: The sex is awesome. It’s the only reason I still see him. I want to give him a 1 and make fun of his dick, but it just wouldn’t be fair. I give him a 9.
Jamie: Nate is the second best lover I’ve ever had. I won’t tell you how many I’ve had. I give him a 9.
Sheila: When he wasn’t completely wasted, the sex was pretty good. He’s a generous lover when he wants to be and he makes up for his small cock by knowing how to use it. Put that in your fucking column, jerk. I give him an 8, but only because of our Miami trip. Without that weekend, he gets a 7.
Sharon: Overall, he gets a 5.
Jamie: Overall, he gets an 8. And if he starts working out again (hint, hint) I may move him up.
Sheila: Final score? Fuck you, Nate DeGraaf.
Wow, I feel kind of used. But I want to thank you female readers who have been writing me with positive feedback. I’m glad that most of you don’t seem to think I’m a sexist jerk. And to those of you who do, I apologize. I know I may come close to crossing the line, but I truly am against sexism (that word sounds like it would mean something a lot more fun than women-bashing, doesn’t it?). However, I also am a typical, red-blooded, meat-eating, sports loving American male, and can’t help but to feel and behave as such. I guess what I’m saying is: all men are like me to some degree. And, women of America, if I have caused you any pain, well then, I’m sorry.
But I’m not changing, dammit.
You can check out Nathan’s daily writings at his blog, The Nate Way. You can also be president one day, you know, if you work at it.