>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

March 14, 2007

April: You know, you didn’t call me.
: I know.
: Why not?
: Why should I have?
: Just to check in.
: Do I work for you or something?
: You suck.

I’ve worked long and hard on this site to promote simpler male/female relationships, yet, for whatever reasons, some of you people are still using dating as a precursor to sex, many of you are still falling in love, and some of you seem to actually want to be in long-term relationships. Well, you’re all stupid, but I can’t help that. All I can do is continue to try to help you (seriously).

And so, because I recognize that no matter what I do, y’all will make every attempt to sacrifice your freedom in the name of cellulite and snot-filled kids, I have decided to help you fine-tune the little things in your relationships (no dudes, I’m not talking about your dicks—paranoid bastards) so that you can all eventually reproduce and ruin brand new lives (that I’ll have to help fix with my wisdom—my work never ends!).

There are many little things that we (both men and women) do to constantly piss each other off. In the interest of fairness, I have ranked the top five little things that I have done to ex-girlfriends that irked them and the top five little things that ex-girlfriends have done to irk me. Because I’m all about the fairness.

“Why do women insist on eating my food? It’s as annoying as frozen fuck on a puke stick.”

Okay, well I’m mainly about the liquor, but I did leave a little room for the fairness. Just a smidge.

Now, before we continue, we should probably talk about what constitutes a little thing (again, not your penis—calm down). A little thing, in terms of male/female relationships, never has anything to do with sex, loyalty or money. A little thing will never cause a relationship to end on its own, but when you add a whole bunch of them up, well, they still probably won’t end a relationship (now that I think about it).

You see, a little thing is like a paper cut. Sure, it’s no big deal and it doesn’t hurt that bad, but when you get one a day for several years, well, let’s just say that you stay the fuck away from the lemon juice.

Now that we have adequately defined a little thing, here are the five little things that piss me off the most during those rare occasions that I am actually in long-term sexual relationships.

Hopefully, by learning about the little things that bother both me and the women in my life, you can learn what to avoid, and thus have happier and healthier relationships. And if not, maybe you’ll learn a word or two.

It’s happened before.

Anyway, on to the list.

Talking While I’m Watching Television

I honestly believe that TIVO was invented by a guy who realized that he was either gonna get divorced or kill his wife if he couldn’t find a way to simultaneously watch the game and listen to her. At any rate, the ability to pause live television has essentially solved this problem for me, but it’s still really annoying when people talk to me while I’m watching TV. Especially during games.

In one relationship (pre-TIVO), I actually had this exchange with a girl:

Stacy: Do you wanna go shopping with me and Janette?
: Game’s on.
: That’s not an answer.
: No.
: You know, Janette said the funniest thing—
: If it didn’t have anything to do with the NFL post-season I don’t want to hear it.
: There’s no talking to you when you’re watching football.
: Have fun at the mall.

And the thing is, that exact conversation happens roughly one million times an hour in this great country of ours. You’d think we would have all learned to buy TIVO by now.

By the way, with TIVO, the conversation works like this:

Amy: Do you want to go see a movie?
: No. I’m watching the game.
: Oh, since you paused the TV, can I tell you about my day?
: Sure. Being able to fast forward the commercials is an awesome reward for talking to you.
: You’re a dick.

Anyway, get TIVO.

Unfortunately, modern science has yet to create a solution for the next relationship “little thing” on my list. Indeed, it seems that this one is here to stay.

Eating the Food off My Plate

Here’s the deal: I am more than happy to buy women food. I’ll buy them meals, groceries, whatever… so why do they insist on eating my food? It’s as annoying as frozen fuck on a puke stick (I don’t know what that means, either). And, worse yet, I don’t think it ever ends.

I was at a ballgame the other day and I saw this old man (had to be at least fifty) and his wife. The old man was eating a Chicago style hot dog (one of those hot dogs that is basically enveloped in toppings) and his wife of God-knows-how-many years said to him, “Ooh, honey, that looks great. Could I have a bite? I just want one bite.”

And what did the guy do? He handed her the whole hot dog, then walked ten steps to the vendor and purchased another one. When he returned to his wife, she said something along the lines of, “I don’t know why you did that. I only wanted one, little bite.”

I was laughing rather loudly at this, so the lady turned to me and said, “You men are so bad about sharing your food.”

I looked up at the old man and asked, “It never ends, does it?”

“Nope,” he said.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” said the wife as she wadded up the hot dog napkin after finishing the last bite of her hot dog. “I really only wanted a taste.”

Now, I’m not saying that the old woman wouldn’t have just stopped at one bite (though with these particular hot dogs, that’s about impossible), but that’s not one of my two issues with this phenomenon.

Hey, I got an idea: let me tell you my two issues.

Issue #1: The reason men buy food is to eat all of it. Really, I know it’s a tough concept to grasp and all that, but it’s true. We don’t actually want to give you any of it. We want to buy you your own food, of which you can eat as much or as little as you like. You’re welcome.

Issue #2: Just because you’re eating “a little taste” off someone else’s plate does not make food any less fattening. I honestly think that women actually believe that “a taste” of somebody else’s food has no calories.

Amazingly enough, women don’t usually stop at taking my food. They take entire conversations of mine as well.

Talking for Me

I hate it when someone asks me a question and my girlfriend answers it. And I know for a fact that this never ends because I see it all the time in old people. I swear, there are some guys out there who have been married twenty years and don’t even think to answer direct questions in the presence of their wives. I mean, why interrupt her when she’s putting words in your mouth?

(Pointless side note: my buddy Tyler is the king of the “my wife is my brain” syndrome. He’s actually to the point where I don’t even ask him direct questions anymore because he immediately defers them to his wife, so I go straight to the source and ask her. Asking him about his life only slows me down. And you think I’m joking.)

But even worse than talking for me, is correcting me.

Correcting Me in Public

If you want my balls that bad, please let me know before we go out. I’ll let you suck on them for as long as you want, girl. I promise.

Hell, if you play with them long enough, I’ll even let you pick the radio stations on the way there.

Fucking with My Stereo

Guys, we all know the scene. You’re driving to dinner with your girl. She looks good. A kickass song comes on, you turn it up, admire the skyline of your fair city and get into a slight driving zone/groove that is promptly interrupted when your girlfriend changes the radio to some pop piece of drivel that makes you want to kick MTV’s ass.

“Sorry,” she says, “but I can’t stand that song.

If you’re me, you quickly change the radio back to the song you like and tell her not to do that again if she’d like to keep her fingers. I don’t know what you’d do in that situation if you were you (because you are you and that’s your problem), but this little thing can get quite annoying and girls really should stop doing it.

I mean, girls, would you even try that shit with your female friends? With your parents? Would you girls do this to anyone else besides your boyfriends? I highly doubt it. So how does the behavior become acceptable just because you’re in a relationship?

Really, I’d like an answer to that one. I mean, if you’ve got the time.

Now, I know I’m not perfect, which is why I’m closing this with the top five “little things” that I have done to piss off ex-girlfriends.

I Don’t Check In

I refuse to check in. I refuse to call my girlfriend and let her know where I am or what I’m doing. I don’t see why I should have to and I think it’s ridiculous that women manage to convince their men that they need to call and let them know where they are at all times. Anyway, apparently most men regularly check in with their girlfriends so I am in the annoying minority here with this little thing. And that’s my bad. I apologize: I have a pair of balls.

I Cuss Too Much

Holy fuck does that piss off the bitches.

I Often Forget to Put the Toilet Seat Down

I find it funny that women live in a world where they never have to look at their toilets. This magical world must be the same place where you can lose weight without exercising. Now, keep in mind, I rarely forget to put the toilet seats down in the homes of the women I date. After all, I like to leave stuff like I found it. But in my home, well, I can’t bring myself to put my toilet seat down. My brain just doesn’t work like that in my house. Call me selfish. I’ll get over it.

I Pester Them for Threesomes

Some chicks are just close-minded.

I’m Drunk Too Much

Despite the fact that my excessive drinking rarely affects my stamina and sexual performance, it turns out that bitches just don’t appreciate the effect it has on my behavior. Apparently, some of them don’t like being spanked until we “get to know each other” (whatever the fuck that means).

Who knew?

Somewhere, in some far off place (or maybe—hell, hopefully—right next door), there is a girl who is not bothered by a guy whodrinks excessively, leaves the toilet seat up, cusses like a sailor, and never calls.

And hopefully, she is very beautiful and won’t fuck with my stereo or eat my food.

Because the little things are cumulative (nice word, huh? It means “adds up”).

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